Driving Myself Crazy

you're going to think I'm an asshole after this

2007-10-23T02:11:00.000-05:00

Why is it that the attractive girls aren’t attracted to me? And vice versa? Is that Murphy’s Law? I’m not going to do anything crazy like kick the stupid ones out of bed or anything because they’re still physically attractive. Just don’t expect a call the next day.

In my brief experience thus far, I’ve noticed that ladies seem like the wild type but not too wild. They like someone that can stay out late on a Tuesday night, but still has a stable job and be a functioning member of society. Maybe they just like the money (which I’m ok with me for now). Lots of people can be hardcore when they’re 30, living in their mom’s basement with no job, but it takes that special someone to go to the full next day of work no sleep.

I’ve also noticed that girls can sense when you’re not trying to pick them up and that makes them want you even more. Girls are stupid.

I have better luck in my Batman t-shirt and jeans in a bar than any other outfit. Maybe chicks just really dig the Dark Knight (like me).

My friend Lisa put it very eloquently. This is my time. I am an only child for the first time on my life. Everything is mine mine mine! I have my house that I’m free to do whatever I want with. I can live my life by the moment like I’ve always want to. Thanks Lisa. You’re the best. Even if you are a little crazy.

I’m very excited about my new house. It’s not actually new, but it’s pretty much a clean slate. She left and took all the crap that I didn’t like. This makes room for my moose antlers and 7-foot long Golden Gate Bridge plans. Only problem is that it’s going to take me a while to get everything like I like it. I can’t just go buy everything right now, and that drives me crazy.

I’ve always bought Men’s Health or Maxim at the airport to read on the plane. I’ve always taken their advice on women with a grain of salt. Having an anomaly of a partner that goes against all logic (and Maxim tactics) for so many years, I had no clue what they’re talking about in these articles, so it couldn’t be true. None of this shit would work on any woman I thought. In the last few months, and many experiments, I’m here to tell you my unclimactic results. It’s about 70% successful. Granted it’s apples to oranges because every girl is different, and I’m definitely not the hottest guy in the place (like Maxim would have you believe).

One thing I’ve learned that I never thought was true. Women really do like assholes, especially the hot, seemingly unapproachable, high maintenance, Dallas girls. Who knew me saying “why don’t you buy ME a drink?” would be successful? But it is.

Then I go to California. Fully expecting my work in Dallas to be no match for CA girls. First night out and I was proven correct. These girls weren’t even that hot, but you couldn’t tell them that.

Sometimes you just stumble upon the best opening lines, literally. I met this girl my second night in CA by accidentally stepping on her toes. I swear it was an accident. I have big feet, can’t help it. (I don’t like the term pick-up lines because it’s not about "picking-up") I have a hard time with that ice breaker. I really have nothing besides “hi”. It’s really up to the girl to say hi back AND something else to get me going.

thanks

2007-09-14T11:48:00.000-05:00

Sense that last post was kind of a pooper, I thought I'd pick it back up again. I just want to give a HUGE thanks to everyone helping through this. The countless hours on the phone, IM, in my living room, dinners that you guys have put into to helping me really makes me feel loved. Love which I haven't felt in a long time. I consider you all my close family and can't wait to pay you back.

Let's get back to normal, shall we? I got a kick out of this.

Big Fat Stinking Steaming Pile of Update

2007-09-13T16:19:00.000-05:00

Wow a year goes by fast. So much can happen in a year, and has happened that never I thought would happen. First and biggest thing – Monica and I are splitting up.

It was going smoothly the first week after she left. Then shit hit the fan, and it's been difficult ever since. Not sure how much I should be talking about this stuff, so I might not for a while. Until the end of October.

I don’t think I’ve ever posted lyrics for an entire song. I think it’s lame when people do that. But this time, I think every line is fitting on how the divorce is going. God, that’s an ugly word. I’d rather just say “splitting up” or something. I especially like the 2 lines I bolded.

Amsterdam by Guster
I threw away your greatest hits
You left them here the day you split
Your bass guitar and Shagg's CD
Well they don't mean that much to me right now
I'm going through your things
These days, I'm changing all my strings

Chorus 1:
I'm gonna write you a letter
I'm gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks

Chorus 2:
From way up on your cloud
Where you've been hiding out
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

You won't get too far from me
believing everything you read
You're wasted in the great unknown and I am finally ready to dispose of all your vintage clothes
Your drugs and every secret code

Chorus 1:
I'm gonna write you a letter
I'm gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks

Chorus 2:
From way up on your cloud
Where you've been hiding out
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

From your red balloon you were a super high tech jet fighter
Floating over planet earth
Come back down here, I'll show you where it hurts
Take this bitter pill
Is it easy to swallow?

Chorus 1:
I'm gonna write you a letter
I'm gonna write you a book
I wanna see your reaction
I wanna see how it looks

From way up on your cloud
You're never coming down
Are you getting somewhere?
Or did you get lost in Amsterdam?

it's been a while

2006-09-22T07:27:00.000-05:00

Stephen the Intern made me feel old yesterday. I have itunes playing at random in my office, and he's looking over my shoulder as I was teaching him a thing or 2 about stuff. A Green Day song from their Dookie album comes on, and he says "this is the first CD I ever bought. I was in elementary school." Get out of my office. Damned good for nothing kids these days being all young and shit.

If a sports event is shot with HD cameras, how do they pull out the HD data/video out to dumb it down for regular TV? Then be able to separate that data and send it over-the-air for the HD people without HD cable?

I have my 10 year high school reunion tonight in Conroe. Everyone I've talked to is just going to get loaded and make fun of the less successful people, but not me. There's about 5 or so people that really care to see, and I guesss everyone else for that matter. I think it'll be fun (it depends on how loaded I get).

I am an excelent photographer after midnight...

for all you breeders

2006-07-31T14:45:00.000-05:00

foiled again, batman

2006-07-20T17:42:00.000-05:00

I have no idea for a title on this one, so I'm going with the above.

on my brother's apartment, it says there is a "non-refundable pet deposit". What the hell is that? Why don't they just call it what it is - a "fee"?

Just so you know, all words in "quotes" should be read while using in the "air-quote" gesture.

How do people forget to close the gas tank door on their cars? Can someone explain the thought process here? Top it off, put the gas-gun-thingie back, screw the cap on...and I'm done. Wait, what? It's like putting on your socks and shoes, but walking away with your shoes untied. Maybe it's the new trendy thing to do? Anybody that's cool leaves their gas tank door open, didn't you get the memo?

I keep hearing a bird chirming. Is that in my head?

I don't understand what is meant by "he's not a good fit culturally." What does that mean? Is it because he doesn't engage in your mindless water cooler chit chat? Or is it something bigger like he doesn't like working late? What?

My Wednesday night Ultimate league team color is purple. Luckily, my Thursday night league team color is camouflage. Every Thursday I have to bring back my purple-shirt-wearing masculinity back from the brink of extinction with the camo shirt. It helps to keep the universe in perfect balance.

Jennifer Tilly and Joey Adams are the same person to me.

holy crap!

2006-06-30T17:58:00.000-05:00

I'm a freaking celebrity! I made the front page of the fortworthultimate yahoo list serve site! Why did someone tell me this? And check out those guns...bitch!

Tulsa

2006-06-30T17:35:00.000-05:00

Played in my first competitive Ultimate tournament this past weekend in Tulsa. It was a great time, but man, it was hot (as seen in the picture below. And the caption that came with this photo from Jason said " My sunburned neck wishes I was smart and confident enough to wear Jay's hat." What's that supposed to mean? That I have to confident to wear a stupid looking hat? You calling my hat stupid? I'll kill you. And it still didn't work very well - got sunburned as hell.

Our women's team (OvaryAction) truly represented though. They took second place in the women's bracket in a very hard fought final game against some Missouri team (freaking dykes). Underwear points are the coolest. If a team is winning by a good amount, that leading team plays the game point in their underwear. I just try not to gawk too much.

Here's some more photos from the weekend. Great job Jason!

probably the coolest picture I've taken

2006-06-20T18:26:00.000-05:00

Coming out of the mountains, east of Flagstaff, AZ. The open prairie/grassland in front of me, the mountains behind me.

Taken last summer in the uhaul. I was just organizing all my photos, and came across this one. Never really noticed it til now.

ribbons, ribbons

2006-06-19T13:32:00.000-05:00

These people and their ribbons are getting a little out of hand. I'm thinking of getting this one, but I might get my car keyed or something. Plus I would be becoming one of "those guys."

not fit to be gay

2006-06-15T11:03:00.000-05:00

I don't think I would make a very good gay person. There's the obvious, but there's other things as well that make me just not fit in:

I think Madonna is overrated
I don't like musicals
I would never throw an Academy Awards party
I hate wearing tight clothes
I prefer monogamy
Leather assless chaps are way too uncomfortable for me

Although I do like the word "fabulous", and I think flamboyant drag queens are pretty funny.

atheist huh? I can see that

2006-06-13T15:14:00.000-05:00

You are an Atheist

When it comes to religion, you're a non-believer (simple as that).
You prefer to think about what's known and proven.
You don't need religion to solve life's problems.
Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.

What's Your Religious Philosophy?

hehe

2006-06-06T06:16:00.000-05:00

Mr. Big Man

2006-05-25T07:21:00.000-05:00

I hate how every office has superficial things that portray status symbols. At my last job, certain people were given company cell phones. Here, it's laptops, then window offices. I'm still the same person! I'm not somehow better than you because I'm now a laptop person. Still working up to that window office. None available right now. But when I do get there, I won't be allowed to fraternize with anyone without a laptop.

This girl on my Ultimate team, her license plate is "911 HSY". So I nicknamed her The Emergency Hussy.

The other night we were discussing why people start smoking. Camaraderie was the #1 answer, but for me it was to cover up that weed smell. Thank you very much Cynthia Woods Michell Pavilion, Red Lot. I don't smoke anymore.

It's really hard to rock out to a Metallica song while stuck on the freeway puttering along at 20 mph behind a Neon. Where's a curvy tree-lined 2-lane road (Longmire) when you need one?

I'm really liking this new trend of chicks wearing wife-beaters. Bring on the summer!

Today is a good day. It's the longest possible time before American Idol will be on again (I know, stolen from the Simpsons re: church). Seriously, why does the news have to cover this show? This is not news.

for every beginning...

2006-05-23T09:15:00.000-05:00

...there must be an end, I guess. I don't want bring you down with this post, but as this is a running dialog of my life, there's always a donw side to life. Yesterday we lost Cali to lung cancer. She was a great dog, great companion. Loved/lived to play, and friendly to everyone. It's such a shame, but I guess it was just her time, and she's no longer in pain. She will be missed.

Japanese Propaganda

2006-05-19T07:14:00.000-05:00

I thought this was interesting. Japanese WWII propaganda.

stereotypes

2006-05-16T07:15:00.000-05:00

I've been working on this list for a while. I think it's ready, so here goes:

Scientology: Xenu blew up Thetans and now they're stuck in my body.
Islam: If I blow myself up I get 72 virgins.
Catholicism: This cracker will turn into Jesus when I eat it.
Christianity: An invisible man lives in the sky and grants wishes.
Republicans: Terrorists are a monolithic entity led by Osama Bin Laden who all want to destroy the West.
Microsoft: Every action should have a "Are you sure you want to do that" dialog box attached to it.
US Military: There's nothing gay about the military, and if we allow gay people in, they'll spend all their time sticking things in their butts instead of fighting the enemy.
Democrats: Criminals just need hugs, and were abused as children, so it's not their fault.
Southerners: The South will rise again; heritage, not hate.
Women: I can change him.
Men: She's only a lesbian because she hasn't experienced me.
Gay Men: People love to see my flamboyant side. They think it's so cute and funny.
Lesbians: I consider myself open-minded, but I hate all men.
Parents: People are interested in hearing my child quietly fuss (i.e., screech).
SUV drivers: Waiting till the last moment to slam on my brakes won't bother anyone behind me, despite the fact they can't see around my gas guzzling behemoth. Also I'm protected by an invisible shield.

Now, who did I miss?

"Labels are for cans, not people." -Anthony Rapp

untitled

2006-05-10T07:28:00.000-05:00

I love Family Guy, and have seen many episodes, but could they please try to make the asides not so long and drawn out? ok I got it, Moby Dick stayed at your house and he's a little bitchy, let’s get back to the plot.

And why does every supporting character on Family Guy have to sound like everyone else?

It always erks me a little after I order something at a restaurant, and the waiter says, “oh that’s my favorite!” Is it really? I bet you say that to all the guys.

I'm thinking of making a t-shirt that just says "Pumps Suck".

I think the English/grammar outline rule that says you have to have a "2." for every "1." and a "b." for every "a." is stupid.

I love the subtleties of google and gmail, like when I delete my spam, it says "Hooray, no spam here!"

I made a CD to be played during our Ultimate game tonight. It's hard coming up with a mix that general enough that everyone will like, upbeat, and songs that I like. I hope everyone likes it. A lot of pressure there!

I visited the Tommy Bahama store at the San Marcos outlet mall this past weekend. Man, I now know where all these old men get their ugly-ass shirts. And expensive! Maybe they think that if they pay $90 for a polo shirt with parrots and palm trees plastered all over it, it looks good?

I co-signed for my brother this weekend to buy a new car. He's still in college and doesn't have a credit history yet. It felt really good to help him out. No one else will. He's making all the payments, which I'm a little nervous about. Not about him paying, but paying on time every month. as a joint venture, we are equally responsible, and our creidt will be equally affected.

it's a living document

2006-05-05T07:25:00.000-05:00

Whenever I explain to people what I do (only when they ask), their eyes sort of glaze over and we're off the topic in a minute or two. I can't tell if it's because it's truely boring to them, or they don't get it or what. If they're truely interested they ALWAYS follow with, "oh yeah there's this traffic light by my house that needs fixing..." Right, I know, I'll get right on it. If it's a girl that seems interested and asks more questions, I know she's flirting with me because she couldn't possibly be interested in my work. Just trying to get in my pants. Gauw, I'm not a piece of meat! ok maybe a little.

The fact that “socialite” is even a word bothers me.

Last week, I bought a bottle of water and a danish at the Dallas airport. When the cashier rung me up for $2.76, I asked, “Oh, did you get the water too?” The cashier laughed unusually hard then said, “Of course – that’d be a pretty expensive danish, wouldn’t it?” I actually had to think about it for a few moments before realizing that, no, I had no fucking clue if that’s an expensive danish or not.

Ever say goodbye to everyone after a long night and then get halfway down the block only to realize you forgot something, like your jacket? You always have to go back, acknowledge the weird looks everybody’s giving you, respond to irritating little gibes like “Hey! Back already?” then reclaim your jacket and hoist it skyward while doing a half lap around to demonstrate to the gathering crowd that all is well and you’ve simply returned to retrieve the North Face you now wish you’d never purchased.

Guys at the gym wearing bandanas intimidate me.

Ultimate people are some of the most creative drinkers I’ve met. In addition to the drinking-a-disc exercise, they’ve invented a solitaire style drinking game. It’s like flip cup, but instead of having 2 teams, you play your right hand versus your left hand. Awesome.

nacogdoches

2006-05-01T18:09:00.000-05:00

went to Nacogdoches this past weekend for a Ultimate tournament. We had so much fun. It's called One Night Stand. There's about 15 teams, and we stayed up until dawn on Friday night partying, slept all day Saturday, then played at least 5 games Saturday night until dawn. We played 6 games, and won the consolation championship with our 10 person Ft Worth team (yes, I know, 1st place loser). I was humbled by others' skills as I watched teams from such places as Austin and Shreveport make crazy throws I've never seen before.

I was glad to see the Dallas Ringers team get beat. It's supposed to be a fun, get drunk and have fun tournament, and they brought this serious, all-star team of like 25 people. And it's not because I'm bitter about losing to them 15-3, or that I didn't get invited to play with them. We were playing beer-in-hand points in protest of their bad Ultimate spirit. They thought they were tough shit until they lost twice to the same team. Too many chefs in the kitchen - couldn't gel at all, and the other team's girls were way faster, even while drunk.

why do I always look like the giant ogre in every picture? I'm going to have to start standing in the back of pictures again. I guess my elementary school teachers put me in the back row for a reason. The guy 3rd from the right is the same height as me. and open your eyes, freak. sheesh.

I also learned this weekend that a disc can hold a full pitcher. I know, doesn't seem physically possible, but normal eulcidian space does not apply when the alcohol comes into contact with disc plastic.

time once again...

2006-04-18T07:43:00.000-05:00

...to start bitching about the weather. Other forecasts are saying 100 today! Granted there's a cold front coming through tomorrow and it's only supposed to be 75. And this is heating up the pool rather rapidly, so I got that going for me.

I hate lubbock

2006-04-13T17:44:00.000-05:00

what a freaking hole! why anyone would chose to live there I have no clue. It smells funny - like manure and cotton. I know (Tim) smells like $$$. And it so freakishly flat. Here's a picture from 50' up in a bucket truck. We're designing a closed-circuit TV camera system so they can watch traffic and manipulate their variable message signs from their office. The bucket truck is good fun (until the wind picks up). We's park it right next to the overpass, I slowly rise up above the guardrail as if levitating magically from the below. Freaks out drivers on the freeway every time. I do what I can to stay entertained in this God-forsaken place.

I've been Bubba-fied

2006-04-12T15:36:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I attended my first NASCAR race! Casey, a friend of mine got free tickets, so I figured what the hell. It was an experience like none other. First off, the stadium or racetrack holds 250,000 people, and it was completely full. The size and energy of this place was astonishing. The cars are so freaking loud and fast, and I could walk down to the fence that separates me and cars (doing 200 mph) by 10 feet. It's definitely a rush. Secondly, you can bring in all the food and drinks (including alcohol!) you want as long as it fits under you seat. We got totally blitzed on our PBR (when in Rome...) and loved every minute of it. Except for the middle of the race - got kinda boring. But those first and last 100 laps, man, very exciting!

Pretty big deal. I saw an hour long Randy Travis concert. Fighter jets flew over during the star spangled banner. Dub-ya did the "gentlemen start your engines" live via videotape (everyone cheered - get shot for booing).

Needless to say, I felt a little out of place for many reasons. I think I was the only person there not sporting some dude's number. And boy-howdy, people hate that Jeff Gordon guy. During the opening introductions the people next to us would cheer like crazy for their guy, then boo every other racer. I had no idea the number of people into NASCAR and to the huge extent. Nor did I realize the high population of mullet, jean shorts people still out there. My favorite was the father/son matching mullets. Classy. And I can now go the rest of my life without hearing "Git-R-Dun" again. Seriously, is it really necessary to say it every time you finish urinating? Our tickets were way at the top (in the shade luckily) and had a face value of $125. Not to stereotype or be judgmental, but how do these people pay for that? I guess if it's only twice a year, it can be justified. Or should I say bubba-fied.

I'm not into at all, and wouldn't pay to see that, but I'm not saying I won't go back.

Pictures coming soon, if I can get my deadbeat friend to send them to me. Hopefully none too incriminating. My good-looking self, classy NASCAR ladies, and a camera is a bad combination.

Colorado Pics

2006-03-24T09:42:00.000-06:00

See, told you. Pictures come out blurring at 70 mph. (this was the worst one though.)

Frozen waterfall & old mill that was pretty cool. Even at 70 mph.

Free range big horn sheep (zoomed in) that occasionally like to cross I-70. Stick it to The Man!

Cool trees. Snowed every day/night we were there. Thank goodness for 4WD.

Monica at Winter Park with our Jeep (rented).

planes trains & automobiles & elevators

2006-03-15T17:40:00.000-06:00

we sell our fighter planes to other countries. Often other countries that may be our enemies someday, we don't really know. Why can't we install some type of hidden wireless self-destruct device that only we have the big red button in case they try to use our own planes against us?

Do the bighorn sheep on the side of the freeway in Colorado get pissed at us for putting a freeway through their mountain? Is that why they sometimes wonder out into the road? Or is that a suicide attempt?

These two women and I are standing at the lobby of my building waiting for the elevator. We are all equidistant to the door. The door opens, Lady 1 gets on, then me, the Lady 2. Lady 2 that doesn't know Lady 1 says, "there's no shivery anymore, haha." I was so taken aback that I didn't know what to say. Surely she wasn't talking about me very loudly 3 feet away from me. Surely she's not that big of a passive aggressive bitch. Wow! She is! And she was gone before I could collect a reply. Like I've said before, I'm all for equal rights. Women's lib. I won't give up my train seat, or wait for your fat slow ass to get in the elevator first. I don't expect doors to be opened for me, and neither should you.

The long break in posts was due to my ski trip to Colorado. Pics to follow if I can ever remember to download them.

**Update** I was looking at my pictures last night from Colorado, and I am in none of them. Which is fine by me. I prefer to be behind the camera than in front any day. And most were taken of the scenery while driving in the car so they're blurry.

hear me out on this one

2006-02-20T11:15:00.000-06:00

In an altered state this past weekend, I came to two huge conclusions, and one not so huge.

1. I figured out how to divide by 0. Can't remember it now, but it IS possible.

2. We as a society would starve to death if it weren't for the Useless Crap industry (ipods and such).

Here's how it works: In short, thanks to technology advances, we can now produce so far beyond our basic needs, that the only way we can sustain our economy and a decent rate of employment is to have a substantial percentage of our population producing, distributing, advertising, and selling things that we have absolutely no need for whatsoever. If we did not have the Useless Crap industry, then not only would there be more people out of work, but the overall demand for transportation of goods would lower substantially, thus raising the costs of transporting food, and subsequently the costs of buying the food for those people who'd be out of jobs anyway. So we'd all starve due to economic collapse.

3. Candlebox was a huge knock-off, sell-out, industry produced attempt at a grudge band. I hadn't realized this until one of their songs came on (during my altered state, of course). And I ate that shit up in high school. I guess the trend continues - high school kids know nothing about good music.

pro life

2006-02-01T07:17:00.000-06:00

The Right is pro-life and pro-death penalty. If you're pro-life, then shouldn't you be anti-death penalty? Seems hypocritical to me.

I like to wave my hand over the automatic flushing urinals when I'm done as if I were flushing the toilet using my Jedi mind tricks.

Right now, my hair is the perfect length. Last week it was too short. Next week it will be too long. I only get one week out of 6 week of good hair.

aahhh Texas. Where it's not ok to like Ani DiFranco unless you're gay. Aahhh Texas. Where it's not ok to be gay.

while driving to austin

2006-01-16T07:26:00.000-06:00

I bought a 55 pack of peanut butter / cheese crackers at Sam's over Christmas. I'm getting burned out on peanut butter / cheese crackers just thinking about all the packets of 6 I have to eat over the next few months. I know as soon as it's gone though, I'll be jonesing for that crap to get stuck in my teeth.

Do we really need an abbreviation for "Way"? Such as "Amhearst Wy". What's one more letter, really?

Why don't scientists create a long-haired cow? It would be like a sheep, but in cow/beef form. Think of how many more people we could cloth in the world. There could be different colored cows so no dyes would have to be added when making yarn and sweaters and stuff. Maybe it's the wool industry holding back the cow hair industry from taking over. Because you know cow hair would win out - who wouldn't buy a sweater made from an argyle cow?

I'm still waiting for car companies to invent the projectile grappling hook. When I'm cruising down the freeway with no one else around, I want to be able to shoot this hook out of my front bumper and latch onto the 18-wheeler in front of me and sit back and take a nap. Then I can die a happy man.

This guy I work with graduated from college (A&M) about 6 months ago. He had no idea who The White Stripes were. Never even heard their radio songs. Proving once again that I am cooler than most A&M grads.

Why did System of a Down have to get all political? They were doing just fine singing about "sugar" and "why don't you put on a little makeup". Don't they see that riding the political songs wave will eventually crash? Where's Rage Against the Machine now? That's what I thought. Now get off your high horse.

I have no idea what you're talking about...

2006-01-06T09:59:00.000-06:00

...so here's a Lincoln with a bow on his head

belt loops

2006-01-03T07:29:00.000-06:00

Belt loops don't get enough credit. They're doing all the work - not the belt. If you ever have a belt loop break, you definitely know it. Your pants get all weird, bunched up, belt slipping over the top. Here's to belt loops!

I play golf, but I never seem to get any better. I'm at the same skill level as I was when I was 12. Maybe I'm not playing enough? Maybe I'm doing it wrong? Maybe this is as good as I'll ever be?

I get told I look like someone they know. Quite a bit actually. What am I supposed to say to that? "Tell 'em 'hi' for me!" Then tthe very next thing they say is "yeah he's a real asshole." Seriously, go away now. Or they'll call they're friend over and say "hey doesn't he look like So-And-So?" I'm not some kind of lookalike freak show here for your enjoyment. Someone even whipped out a camera phone one time.

read me

2005-12-16T10:22:00.000-06:00

This guy on my Ultimate team works for Frito-Lay and brings free snacks every week. If I were a stoner, that would be the greatest job ever. They wouldn't even have to pay me - just send me home every night with a bag of Doritos. He also gets the "experimental" stuff like banana flavored chocolate cookies and crap to try out on us.

I'm munching away on free Doritos, I notice the bag says "Now Better Tasting!" Now better tasting? That's it? Have the marketing people at Frito Lay totally given up or is this the work of the executive's dumbass nephew? That's all they could come up with? You know your marketing department needs help when it's all downhill from "Nacho Cheesier."

I'm really starting to not like "nickname guy" here at work. Yes, I realize the hypocrisy of me giving Nickname Guy a nickname. I never knew anyone as close to Rob Schnider's Copy Room Guy character on SNL as this guy. Maybe it's because my last name is a little funny and easy to rhyme, but enough is enough.

Who decides the quantity of each size of band-aid to go into the assorted pack? I've got choice words for him. Jackass.

hmm

2005-12-08T12:14:00.000-06:00

when my cat jumps onto the counter and sits on the counter, does his butthole touch the counter or is there some kind of furry barrier between said butthole and counter?

If the remaining member of the Phish and Grateful Dead joined forces, would they call themselves Dead Phish?

I wish we got a second chance in life - like reincarnation was reality. You'd know some people that are on their second life. It would be nice to relive some of life's experiences differently, or with a different perspective. I wonder how things would be different in our everyday world. Would the suicide rate be higher? Because, hey, if you don't like the way things are going, you know you have that fresh start waiting for you. I can see why Hindus believe in reincarnation. It's a cool thing to imagine.

It's snowing!

2005-12-08T10:13:00.000-06:00

ok, not now, but last night it did. There's only 4 of us in the office right now. No one on the "icey" roads this morning and it was so nice. Took me an hour last night to drive home 15 miles in this crap. People freak out when it ices over here. All schools are closed. That time of year I guess.

Why does my water bottle smell like feet?

Prohibition is over!

2005-12-05T14:26:00.000-06:00

My little burg just past a proposition to allow the sale of wine in our city's grocery stores. Where is your God now! Bahahahaha!

Next thing you know they'll open a liquor store where they sell liquor. Hell in a handbasket, I tell you what.

Sometimes while TCoB (that's taking care of business for you none acronym folks) at work, I like to play "Guess the Co-worker By Looking at His Shoes". Hard part is verifying my guesses.

How did the word "knockers" become a reference for boobs? Not seeing the connection.

I was walking to the bathroom at the same time as another co-worker this morning, and he asks me the obligatory "how was your weekend?" question. I said, "Great, finally got that meth lab in my garage up and running." That ought to keep him from talking to me for a while - not because he thinks I actually have a meth lab in my garage, but because he's afraid of another awkward moment or being caught off-guard like just now.

just because

2005-12-01T08:42:00.000-06:00

spiderman

2005-11-23T08:33:00.000-06:00

There's a window washer outside my window right now. Flying care-free side to side like a clock pendulum keeping time on the side of my building. What if he was to fall 10 stories to his death on the sidewalk right now? Would anyone notice? If so, how many of those who noticed would freak out and come down with post-traumatic stress syndrome? Would anyone miss him? Would his death affect more people than his life?

I've decided I like things set to random. My itunes, my photos screensaver - both set to shuffle all the time. My TV even has a random button which I frequent. I could waste a whole day hitting the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Sometimes I'll drive to work via different streets downtown just to mix it up.

I bet the Black Eyed Peas were sitting around one day and Fergie said, “Hey, I bet if we put out the dumbest song ever, people are so stupid that they’ll play it and buy it anyway!” And the rest of the Peas went, “Yeah, let’s call it My Humps!”

Note to people writing your resume: Leave off the "hobbies" section. Unless you're applying for a job building sop box racers, don't include that on your resume. And another thing, do NOT list "Internet" under your computer skills.

What is it about barbers that makes them so reproach? I sit there, watch myself get butchered, yet I say nothing. I can tell my sideburns are not even, but I sit there and say "looks great!", then give her a tip on top of that!

Why can they create a liger (tiger/lion hybrid) but they haven't figured out how to cross a human and a monkey? Now that I write that, I think I've asked that question before.

Happy Birthday To Me!

2005-11-20T16:32:00.000-06:00

Always feel a little uncomfortable on my birthday. Something weird about having a party/celebration thrown for me and receiving gifts when I've done nothing to deserve it. I can tell I'm on the "back 9" of life now that I don't look forward to getting older anymore. Happy 28th to me!

ponderings

2005-11-18T13:35:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about the story of Goldilocks and The Three Bears today on the way to work. Baby Bear really gets screwed in the whole deal. Bitch-ass Goldilocks.

On the same subject, I really hate that Hummer commercial with the 3 bears. I hate Hummer commercials in general, but spoiled brat Goldilocks stealing Baby's car? FU Hummer!

Eeyore

2005-11-17T05:43:00.000-06:00

I liked this and thought I'd throw it up here.

subway

2005-11-15T15:34:00.001-06:00

Funny how the mind wonders sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't catch up in time before you have to use it. For instance, today I went to Subway for lunch, waiting in line, mind wondering, and I order a football meatlong sandwich. Made the Subway lady's day.

death cab

2005-11-06T08:07:00.000-06:00

Saw death cab for cutie Friday night. Best show I've seen in a long time. It was at this small theater in Fort Worth. Stars opened for them which was a big bonus. It was the only other Texas show besides the obligatory Austin stop.

It was interesting seeing the other attendees. It's funny that in an effort to look different, everyone ends up looking the same. 200 Seth Cohens wearing converse. Not that there's anything wrong with that - everyone is allowed to dress as they please. And I guess relative to the rest of North Texas, they get their point across. I don't know - just seemed like they were all trying too hard to pull off an "image". After a beer and the lights went out, I was over it.

Not going to be negative. The therapist in my head said I need to work on that. Great show, very moving in parts. If they come to your town I highly recommend checking them out.

"If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks then I'll follow you into the dark" -DCFC

more crapola

2005-10-31T06:05:00.000-06:00

I hate receiving gratitude for things I haven't done. Like those signs in the hotel rooms - "thank you for not stealing our towels!" Oh yeah? Maybe I'll take these towels down to the pool and throw them in just for spite. Just for that, I'm taking a couple of your wonderful sandpaper towels that have been God knows where used for God knows what. Hmm maybe not.

I've never been a fan of hiking. People say, "well how do know if you never tried it?" I say, "it's walking around. outside. I get the gist."

I do like mountain biking - it's fast, see more stuff, better workout uphill. Kind of screwed in the mountain department here in North Texas though.

If I lived in Denver, I'd open a bar called The Mile High Club.

Why do some fingernails on certain fingers grow faster than others?

One would think with all the advances in technology in the past 20 years, we could invent a copier that doesn't have to "warm up".

I love speakerphone. It's the best way to tell someone "you're not important enough for me to actually pick up the phone" without having to say it.

And happy Halloween! It's only the best holiday that's not really a holiday.

If I were God...

2005-10-20T19:15:00.000-05:00

in the news today

2005-10-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

Thanks God. Thanks for your cruel joke a couple weeks ago with the cool weather. Glad to see you still hate Texas.

Powerball is an interesting phenomenon into human sociology. When it's just $4 or $10 million, it's no big deal. But when it gets up to $340 million, all of a sudden there's a "frenzy" to get your ticket. What is people's thresshold as to when they get sucked into the lottery? "Oh it's only at $50 million. Maybe if it was $55 million, I'd play, but $50 million is just not worth my time and $1."

Why do they always name the pandas a Chinese name? So the babies parents are from China - so what? There's lots of Chinese that come here, have kids and give them American names, why not pandas? I think they should anem the panda Fred or Jim Bob or Randy. Yeah Randy the Pandy. Much better.

I see Sylvester Stallone is going to make another Rocky movie. What are you doing, Sylvester? He is really out of money? Did he loose it all on Planet Hollywood? Is Hollywood really out of ideas? C'mon Rock, you were finished after the Russian. Never should've made Rocky V...oh forget it.

That is all for now.

Post #41

2005-10-12T09:42:00.000-05:00

Woo Hoo! It's the 41st post extravaganza! I like prime numbers. they're the red headed step children of numbers.

I'm thinking about making a major life change. I would like to live my life with a British accent. I can do it almost flawlessly. I'm doing it right now in your head, am I not? I wonder how long it would take for me to get beat up. It would add an extra element when drunk.

Is it weird that I have a reserve group of boxers? There's 3 pairs of Tommy Hilfiger flannel boxers from 1994 with holes in the crotch large enough that it might be considered a miniskirt, no elastic left in the band. They sit in the back of my drawer wadded up, just waiting for sweet freedom.

I am not my father's son. This weekend the lawnmower wouldn't start for anything. What do I do? Go buy a brand new one. (With self propelled goodness!)

I hate it when I go to a restaurant for the first time and the waiter asks if I’ve eaten there before. Because I know that if I answer yes, I’ll then be subjected to a ten-minute instructional lecture on the intricate aspects of ordering tapas. Listen, if your menu is so complicated that living on earth for 27 years doesn’t give me enough knowledge to properly order from it, I’m probably not going to like any of this weird-ass food anyway.

The Sweet Taste of Middle Management

2005-10-06T09:24:00.000-05:00

I've encountered a new experience having moved back to Texas. It's something I haven't felt since my college days of hazing balls. Something that is bitter-sweet, sweet and sour, but mostly sweet if you will (I hate that phrase - I say it to annoy myself). It's working a lot more for a little more pay, with a slight hint of not being at the bottom of the food chain. That my friends is the sweet taste of middle management.

It's working late nights for free to get staffing plans and project cast-aheads done.

It's the extra work of making sure others are busy while still getting all my work done.

It's realizing that these guys in upper management aren't that great and I could don't have to kiss their asses anymore.

But at the end of the day (another phrase I hate) it's getting to boss around the younger kids and deny their vacation and weekends as I head off to mine.

Oh yeah it's sweet.

It's Fucking October!

2005-10-03T11:00:00.000-05:00

Please God! Give me a fucking break from this heat!

why

2005-09-30T09:16:00.000-05:00

Why is it that a wolf and a domestic dog can reproduce, but man and monkey cannot create a mankey?

Why do I get so freaked out when I have to present something in front of 40 co-workers? It's happened 3 times now, and never happened before in my life. Get flustered, shakey, sweating. Weird stuff.

Why can't I handle seeing dead & mutilated bodies anymore? My dad used to take me out with him on DOA's when he was a judge to pronounce dead the motorcyclists with no helmet and brains scattered all over the road. Had no problem with that, but now I see pictures of Iraqis with their heads blown off and I have nightmares.

Alright, enough of the why questions.

You know you’re drunk when you spend five minutes in the elevator wondering what’s taking so long before you realize you never hit any buttons. Yes, I come to work drunk sometimes.

There's not many songs that make my list of "songs I never want to hear again", but Sisqo's Thong Song is definitely on that last. When it first came out in like 1999, I realized I didn't want to watch MTV anymore. And I haven't looked back until I heard it in a bar the other night.

There's something worse than falling down the stairs. It's thinking there’s one more step but there really isn’t. You end up doing that awkward lunge where your foot hits the floor unexpectedly and your kidneys fly up into your brain – which wasn’t being used in the first place, obviously.

I like to work out first thing in the morning. On the treadmill at the gym I have to enter your weight before the machine will start. There’s no way around it. There’s nothing like lying to yourself first thing in the morning.

"She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt. Uh" -Sisqo (lyrical genius)

Stupid Grass

2005-09-15T08:47:00.000-05:00

I'm so sick of mowing the grass. Burmuda grass is the worst! It's thick and it thrives in the heat, unlike fescue (in CA) grass that stops growing when it gets above 80 degrees. It saying to me, "I know it's too hot to mow, so I'm going to take advantage of you and grow as high and fast as I can!" Stupid grass. Can't wait for the first freeze. That'll learn you, grass!

I learned today that the Iraq War is costing $4 billion a month. That's $4,000,000,000 per month! Where are we getting the money for this? Is tax revenue really that much?

Why do copy machines still have to warm up? I can understand 20 years ago, but with today's technology, seems like I shouldn't have to wait 10 minutes in the morning to make the first copy. Everything else is faster - internet, computers, cars - why can't they figure out how to not make me wiat for the copier to warm up?

I say we put the Verizon Wireless guy and the Sprint PCS guy in a cage fighting match as seen on INHD. Fight to the death or until one of them taps out by saying "Nextel. Done."

I hate it when I think of a good comeback later in the day. The wife asked me the other day if I wanted to take ballroom dancing classes. My post-moment reply would've been, "Is there a more negative word than 'No'?" But I'm not that big of an asshole, so I compromised with swingdancing.

Why is it that with Polo-type collared shirts, there's always one side of the collar that flips out, and the other side turns in?

The other day, the batteries ran out in the dvd remote. I got two new batteries, took out the two olds ones then stared at the pile of 4 batteries (all the same brand) on the table for what felt like 5 minutes. I must've been lucky that day because the remote now works with the 2 I picked. Lucky, or all the brain power from deciding which batteries to use was sucked out of my brain and into the selected batteries. Either way, the remote works.

I think I'm going to name my kid so his initals are G.O.D. That would be so cool. Gilbert Oscar. Gregg Octavius. Gabrielle Ocean. Garrett Omar. Possibilities are endless. I'll have to get more creative with my naming though. I see Britney had her baby - Preston Michael Spears Federline. PMS Federline. Good one Brit! Kid wil NEVER get picked on!

Racism? In the news?

2005-08-31T08:33:00.000-05:00

Surely not. Surely our journalists are above such petty things from 150 years ago such as race. Ok maybe not. Maybe it's true that black people "loot" while white people "find". This was taken from dustin3000's flickr upload.

here's the originals:
http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050830/480/ladm10208301530
http://news.yahoo.com/photo/050830/photos_ts_afp/050830071810_shxwaoma_photo1

Standby

2005-08-30T09:44:00.000-05:00

-You know how when you shutdown your computer, you can either logout, shutdown completely, restart or put it in standby? Well I feel like the last year, maybe even 2 years at work I've been stuck in standby mode. Not really on/not ready shutdown. You can hear my fan still running, but nothing happens when you move the mouse. And in dire need of a restart. I feel like I'm finally waking up from a 2 year coma. I like to blame my place of employment for that - not challenging, bored, not working hard, little responsibility or accountability, little respect for higher-ups, not caring.

-I'm finding my body to become much more fragile in my ripe old age of 27. Don't recover from hangovers as quickly; can't eat like I used to and keep the same sexy physique; injuries and soreness stick around longer. People say it's "just part of getting older", but what the hell is that? Is it a metabolism thing? Are my muscles and organs is closer to termination? What? I want answers!

-Lubbock, TX has a Waylon Jennings Blvd and Buddy Holly Ave. Sounds like a cool town until you go there and wonder "what's that smell?". Oh right that's the dirty sock smell that is Lubbock (locals justify it by calling it the smell of money).

-On the INHD Channel, they're always showing women's bodybuilding and Ultimate Fighting Championship. I don't really want to see that stuff in high def. Who gets off on women's bodybuilding anyway? Gross. Now the cage fighting is cool for about 5 minutes before I'm bored with it. Something about watching someone get punched in the face with no gloves and bloody knuckles is very exciting...for about 5 minutes.

-Don't ever forget your roots. We were sitting around talking to my younger cousin who's FROM THE VALLEY the other day and she says, "Oh that's so Texas." In response to something. I wanted to say "who the fuck are you?? You're from McALLEN!" But I didn't. I kept my mouth shut as usual.

-Last week I didn't keep my mouth shut as usual and it got me in trouble. This girl in our little group of friends is dating this older guy. Well I found out that night that he graduated high school in 1983. So his name for the rest of the night became "Class of 83" because as I continued to drink, the old receptors stop firing and I forgot his name. Well they ended up leaving early all because the girl felt "uncomfortable" with me calling him that. I believe I yelled across the table at one point "Pipe down, Class of 83!" Btw, he never heard me call him that. I think the problem is that she's uncomfortable with people knowing she's dating a freaking 40-year-old and she's 26. I have no problem with it, and I wasn't trying to be judgmental at all. I don't know what I think. Stupid chicks.

-Why do women brag about having a higher "tolerance for pain" than men? I got news for you, honey, that's not a good thing! God invented pain to let us know when something is wrong. The earlier you feel the pain and stop doing what's causing the pain, the better. Maybe it's just me; maybe it's just part of being the next link in the evolutionary chain that I have little tolerance for pain. Why tolerate it if you don't have to?

Lyrics

2005-08-24T09:29:00.000-05:00

Lyrics that have inspired or moved me over the years, or lines I just like. Because I'm too lazy to verify the actual songwriter, I decided to go with the most familiar singer.

-And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made. (Simon & Garfunkel)

-So for once in my life let me get what I want
Lord knows it would be the first time. (Smiths)

-I got soul but I'm not a soldier. (The Killers)

-What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, Can I have them please? (Harry Chapin)

-Take away this ball & chain (Social Distortion)

-When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul (Bob Dylan)

-And this bird you can not change. (Lynyrd Skynyrd)

-How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone (Bob Dylan)

-It's hard to get by just upon a smile. (Cat Stevens)

-In boxes made of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same. (Pete Seeger)

-From the moment I could talk I was ordered to listen.
Now there's a way and I know that I have to go away. (Cat Stevens)

-You want to fight for this love
But honey you cannot wrestle a dove (The Shins)

-Takes a long time, but God dies too
But not before he'll stick it to you. (Modest Mouse)

-Your heart felt good it was drippin pitch and made of wood.
And your hands and knees felt cold and wet on the grass to me. (Modest Mouse)

-We live in a wheel where everyone steals.
But when we rise it's like strawberry fields. (Bush)

-You've claimed all this time that you would die for me.
Why then are you so surprised to hear your own eulogy? (Tool)

-Some words when spoken can't be taken back (Pearl Jam)

You Know I'm Right

2005-08-19T09:36:00.000-05:00

-There are some colors in this world not meant for grown men. Pink and purple are two of them. I'm secure in my manhood enough to wear it, and so are you if you're wearing it, but you don't have to prove it to me. It's ugly. Pink and purple shirts make every guy look ridiculous. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say all pastels are no good. Of course your wife likes that shirt, she's a GIRL. Stop letting your wife dress you like one.

-It's amazing how a song can take you back in time. We were driving home from Ikea couple nights ago and that "Hey Ya" song came on the radio (Dallas radio really sucks - about 2 to 10 years behind, between "We were merely freshman" and "Closing Time" sometimes I wish I drove one of those big trucks equipped with a shot gun rack and shot gun so I could blow out my radio on demand). Forgot where I was going with that...oh right, but I was instantly thrown back to installing tile floors and starting my second season on Ski Bus and that's all I could think about, almost made me miss my exit.

-Someone asked me the other night at the bar if I have a favorite song lyric. I became intrigued by this question, so intrigued that I pretty much ignored the chick that asked the question for the rest of the evening. I became obsessed with the question, running thousands of songs through my mental library. Poor girl, all she was trying to do is make meaningless small talk. Well she picked the wrong guy for that. As I've said before, good thing I'm married or I'd never get laid. What was I talking about? Oh right. Favorite lyric. So I've given it a lot of thought. The best I can think of, out of the thousands of lines I know is "Disarm you with a smile." It says so much in just those 5 words. I think I'm going to come up with a list. There are so many others that deserve recognition.

-I went waterskiing (wakeboarding actually) last weekend both Saturday and Sunday. Surprisingly, I don't want to buy a boat. I had a great time, most fun I've had in a while, but yet nothing. I was a little afraid on Friday going into this weekend that I would want to buy a boat and obsess over it until I got one, but no. I think I'm intimidated by the maintenance, housing, and time dedicated to a boat. I already have a pool to maintain. A boat's all I need to completely shut down my weekend.

-It's amazing how fast life can change. One minute I'm skiing in Tahoe and selling my house in California, the next minute I'm playing ultimate frisbee for the first time and watching our 2 female interns make out at the bar.

-I hate it when I get to work and can't remember if I put on deodorant. I guess we'll find out soon enough!

-Saw Skeleton Key last night at The Movie Tavern. Every movie is better with beer and chicken tenders. That Voodoo/Hoodoo crap kind of freaks me out having walked through those shops in New Orleans at 3 AM. Although no one believes me, I kind of saw the ending coming. Good movie. Kate Hudson is hott. Go see it.

Things I will NOT miss about CA

2005-08-04T09:30:00.000-05:00

-Friends moving away.
-Small house.
-Not having enough work.
-4 months of misting rain.
-Expensive gas.
-Traffic.
-Rallies every Saturday clogging up the city.
-Rallies for stupid stuff like endangered grass.
-Blood-covered protesters in front of Nordstrom.
-Tourists taking pictures of gay guys to show their friends back in Iowa.
-Waking up and wondering if the housing market will crash today.
-Waking up and wondering if the house will slide off the hill, catch a wildfire, or fall into the ocean today.
-Crappy freeways.
-Rolling blackouts.
-Tiny back yard.
-Lack of personal space in a public place.
-Bitchy people everywhere bitching about everything and not doing anything about it.
-Paying too much mortgage on the small house.
-Crowded trains.
-My bedroom window being 10 feet from my neighbor's.
-Bureaucracy.
-No A/C in half the places.
-Flaming gay guys.
-Mean lesbians.
-People in general.

Things I will miss about CA

2005-07-24T13:23:00.000-05:00

-My drive home from the BART station.
-Riding BART to work.
-Those warm days and cool nights.
-8 months of spring, 4 months of summer.
-4 months of no rain.
-No mosquitoes.
-Farmers' markets everywhere.
-Climbing the stairs to Coit Tower.
-Only 5 minutes to mow both front and back yards.
-Lots of good live music.
-Standing on the cliff overlooking of the Pacific.
-Seals & otters at the beach.
-Skiing every weekend for 6 months.
-Bitching about the band at Dan's.
-Hiking & biking in the Berkeley Hills.
-Wearing sweaters year round. (it's a proven fact that I look better in winter clothing)
-Ahhnold on the news every night. (always entertaining)
-My office away from everyone else.
-The hills out my back door.
-Good sushi.
-Imperial rolls at Pho 84.
-Grateful Dead on the radio.
-Driving into San Francisco.
-No humidity!

Why did I leaving again?

You're not going to become a Republican, are you?

2005-06-03T13:19:00.000-05:00

So I'm moving back to Texas in a couple weeks. The unexpected (at first) question I get all the time from CA people is the above title. No, I won't become a republican just for the sake of being one, like everyone else in Texas. That rhetorical question makes me not like my fellow Democrats. I really despise the elitist attitude of most CA liberals. What if I was to become a Republican? Does that make me a stupid person? The general consensus is that Republicans are the elitists leaving stragglers in the dust, while the Democrats are looking after/helping pick up these stragglers. Somehow through academia or personal achievement or something, people here in their expensive houses have decided they're better than the stupid "war-mongering" people of middle america.

To be fair, most Republicans I know have the same elitist attitude, but won't admit it or don't realize it. (Damn green-haired hippie lesbians.) If you ask 10 people in that state why they say they are Republican, 8 will say because they like GWB. While he did a lot for Texas, I think his tunnel vision does not mesh well being the leader of the free world.

To break the tie, I feel that liberals at least have a reason, usually, for not liking conservatives. If you ask most TX Republicans why they don't like liberals, they (won't say it but) are thinking because they different than me therefore I hate them.

Enough with the GWB jokes. He's too easy of a target. Note to people who mock/imitate him: you are not funny or original. Like shooting fish in a barrel. Although for some reason, Jon Stewart's impersonation is always funny.

Tats

2005-05-28T03:59:00.000-05:00

Let me preface this entry by saying tattoos with deep personal meaning are fine as long as you are up to explaining it to me. I guess my problem is, as always, with conformity for conformity's sake.

My official view on tattoos is not a positive one. Maybe it's the permanancy, maybe it's the first impression I got as a child from dirty-sticky-fat carnival workers, maybe it's that more and more kids get them these days, not sure. But I know there's not many girls left under 25 that don't have a lower back tattoo (or flaming butt wings as I like to call them) to accent their thong sticking out of their low-rise jeans. I weep for the future generation that follows the hurd.

Most people I see with tattoos encourage my view that tattoos have become a symbol of conformity and fitting in to a certain crowd rather than standing out from it.

I think if you respect your body and yourself, you don't want something that permanent. It's like putting a bumpersticker on a Ferrari.

I realize some people want to display their personal life or something with deep ersonal meaning on their body (remember a dead family member, remind them of their roots excluding "tribal" banding, that's just ridiculous). That all makes sense and I can respect that. But butterflies, barbwire, dolphins?

To reiterate the above, if you're going to do it, go all out - do it big with lots of detail. If you want something that you can cover up, don't bother. You are a sheep and a flake.

"You don't have to have tattoos, piercings, etc. to be a punk" -Mike Ness

My Problems with Organized Religion

2005-05-16T13:51:00.000-05:00

My issues with Christianity and general religion/faith:

If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay fifty pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her. (Deuteronomy 22) WOW.

In the Old Testament, God cursed wicked men by giving them male pattern baldness. As an outward sign of their sin, of course. (Isaiah 3:24).

Not against God, just against religion. I don't believe what man says about God because there's no way He would communicate with us, but I think I believe God exists.

And if God does exist, I bet its a woman. No man would ever be that vindictive.

Having faith requires a huge jump/leap, as they say leap of faith. Belief in miracles, divine intervention, that kind of stuff. It requires believing that something was created from nothing. I have a hard time with that.

Speaking of creating something from nothing, the Christian faith is compiled from many other religions around the world. Jesus wasn't born in December. Missionaries adapted this time of year to coincide with other religions' annual celebration to make the transition more adaptable. Much like The Matrix.

If there is a God, I dont believe He is vengeful. I dont believe he has human characteristics. I know that my mind will never be able to grasp the concept of the omniscient.

More wars and more blood has been shed on account religious beliefs than anything else in history.

The bible says nothing against slavery.

I have a problem with people who ignorantly judge me. My first taste of this was around religious people, but as I go through life I have encountered others who are quick to judge and I have little tolerance for that.

I hate that a good Christian's main goal is to convert others. Don't pressure me into something I am educated on and have decided not to pursue. It's fine if you hate me for it - I didn't want to be around you anyway.

Yes, I realize Jesse Ventura is not the brightest man to talk about religion, or talk about anything for that matter, but I thought this was well put:

"Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers." -Jesse Ventura

2005-05-04T11:21:00.000-05:00

I love Keyhole. It's a satellite photo program used mostly by the government to locate buildings to bomb in Iraq. I highly recommend checking it out.
LINCOLN! GET OUT OF THE POND!

Insert Witty Title Here

2005-05-02T14:20:00.000-05:00

When I’m relaxing in the shower, just standing there in the hot water, I hate the point when I realize I’m just wasting water. Really ruins it for me.

I think I’ve mentioned “How was your trip?” before, but I hate obligatory questions that people feel they need to ask, but they don’t really care about your answer, just making conversation, and I don’t really have a good answer anyway. For instance: “How did your test go?”, “How was your flight?”, “How was your trip?”, How was the funeral?”, etc. How do you think it was, jackass!

Speaking of obligatory replies, someone at my work called me out for one. He announced his wife is going to have a baby. I said, “Congratulations!” He says thanks, but for what? Why do people always say ‘congratulations’ why I announce that?” I had no answer.

I love Wasted Happy Hour Chick. This is the girl who came straight from work to the bar and is still there at 11:30 PM even though her colleagues are all gone, she’s lost a shoe, her hair is in disarray, and she’s been carrying around her laptop bag for six hours. Wasted Happy Hour Chick can usually be found dancing wildly by herself in the corner and is easy prey for Shady Traveling Salesman Dude – who’s not nearly as drunk but has far fewer morals, and is still wearing his company logo shirt from earlier that day.

5,000 staples come in a box 1” x 1” x 4”. That’s enough staples to handle all my stapling needs for the rest of my life. Talk about big things in small packages.

If someone redoes their kitchen, why do they feel the need to boast their asking price $50,000? Newsflash: It’s still a shithole, only now it’s a shithole with granite countertops.

As I am the self proclaimed Captain Obvious, I guess bands are out of ideas for their names. Seems like every band nowadays is “The (insert noun)’s”. The Shins, The Decemberists, The Believers, The Ponys, The Replacements, The Vines, The Briefs The Hives, The Killers, The Concretes, The Thrills, The Stills, …the list goes on forever. I love their music, but so much for being creative with your name.

The Christians in my area have just figured out that “Diablo” in Spanish means "The Devil”. They are proposing the 200 year old name “Mt. Diablo” be changed after 200 years because I guess the Devil is bad. Reminds of a few years ago when the PeTA freaks tried to change the name of the town Rodeo in Marin (pronounced roo-DAY-o like Rodeo Drive) because it looks like “rodeo” as in bull riding which I guess is bad.

2005-04-13T18:01:00.000-05:00

lincoln

ode to sweet vicodin

2005-04-07T23:27:00.000-05:00

Oh how I love thee. You permit me to go live my life care free. When ever I'm feeling down or that chest pain comes back or if I skip breakfast, you're always there to pick me up. So dependable. People give you a bad name (especially them movie stars), but you're alright in my book. I don't understand why people call you addictive. If by "addictive" they mean helping get through my day, the by God, you're addictive. If that's wrong then I don't want to be right. Oh sweet vicodin.

I Love Daylight Savings Time

2005-04-05T18:24:00.000-05:00

Tim's spiel about his reflection on his life as a freshman in high school to now got me thinking about myself in the same time period. Life was so much simpler then. I knew exactly where I was and exactly where I was headed. What happened?

Isn’t it weird the things we do to enlighten ourselves and grow and contribute as a society are the very things that isolate us from said society? We read to explore our society yet it is not a group activity.

I think it’s interesting the things people do to keep themselves isolated in public environments, such as BART - listen to headphone, knitting, reading. Sometimes people just close their eyes and pretend to be asleep just to avoid eye contact. I know you’re not really sleep. There’s no head-bob, no heavy breathing. Give it up, you can't fool me, now talk to me.

Just kidding, I really hate people that talk on BART in the morning. It’s so against the etiquette.

I don’t think I could ever be a vegetarian. I could stand to cut back on the amount of meat I consume, but I love steak and chicken too much. Nothing beats a thick bloody steak.

Wouldn’t it be great if you could threaten your co-workers with physical violence? We would be a much more productive society. I bet the mafia has never seen a slump in earnings.

Why do California drivers get in the far left lane of the freeway and go slow? Are they vigilante people trying to slow down speeders? Do they all just think they’re Mario Andreti and must be the fastest person on the road? If so, they all get in the fast lane and cancel each other out People get on the freeway, make their way over in about 3 seconds, and just camp out there with all the other sheep. Makes me wish I had a big tank style canon on top of my car.

I see that Colorado is starting to crack down on the assholes driving in the left lane. I’ll be moving to Colorado shortly. Oregon is like that and it's SO nice. People only drive in the left lane temporarily to pass.

There’s nothing like getting an unsolicited compliment on a shirt the first time you wear it. It’s the best feeling. I just want to jump up and down and hug that person and tell them, “yes! thank you, I just got it and thanks to you, it’s going into heavy rotation and will be worn at least twice a week!”

I was talking to this chick at the bar the other night. She was hitting on me (I know because chicks never approach me). Anyway I asked her what she did for a living. She said she designs lingerie for a small company in the City. I replied, “Wow! I bet you don’t tell every guy that. You're only telling me this because you know I’m married. And I bet you get lots of stupid questions from single guys like, ‘are you wearing anything you designed right now? Is it a thong? What color is it?’” She said that yes, that’s exactly what happened and I hit the nail right on the head. I replied then with, sooo...what color are they? She didn’t answer. Good thing I’m married or I’d never get laid.

Thoughts from the Island

2005-03-18T12:33:00.000-06:00

That picture there on the right is from the time when I was stranded on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean. It was a chain of islands all about 3 feet in diameter. A friend happened to get stranded on the island right next to me and happened to save his waterproof camera and took this picture. I had to stand there like that for 10 days with nothing but my thoughts, until I was rescued by Polynesian headhunters. Escaping from them is a whole nother story to be told later.

I think it’s funny when people use template responses to questions they just had answered. For instance, no matter what the age of a kid is, the conversation always, always goes like this:

“Oh how old is your son?”
“He’s 4.”
“Oh that’s a fun age.”

Enough with the “fun age” crap! It’s all bullshit and everyone knows it! All ages are fun when it’s your kid, and no age is fun when it’s not your kid!

“She’ll be 82 in June.
“Oh that’s a fun age.”
“No it’s not! She’s back to the diapers, again. Kill me now!”

Memo to the ladies: Ladies, you can be bitchy or ugly, but not both.

Who are these people that are supporting Michael Jackson? I would understand if this trial was 20 years ago, before he turned into the freakazoid, but now? Are these people just stuck in the past?

I’m predicting that Michael Jackson will get off. After having sat on a jury for trial totally based on “he said/she said” and biased witnesses (i.e. defendant’s wife), it’s hard to find a verdict of guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. Reasonable doubt is a huge burden on the prosecution.

Why won’t Jay-Z go away? I thought he retired in like 1999, yet he’s collaborating with Linkin Park of all people. Sorry Linkin Park, you lost me.

What kind of name is Apple? Note to Gwyneth Paltrow: oh forget it...why am I in a pissy mode today? Probably because I've been stuck on this island for a week.

I wish they made Chex Mix without all the other crap. I guess then it would just be Chex Cereal. They could have just Chex with rye chips. That’s how I eat it anyway.

Observations of Late

2005-02-28T16:10:00.000-06:00

Started watching The Sopranos again. I’m in the middle of the fourth season right now so don’t tell me what happens at the end, bitches. That show makes me feel good about my own life. I guess that’s what most TV shows are supposed to do. Keep us content, happy with our middle class mediocre lives until we realize we’re going to die soon and we’ve done nothing.

Why do British people split up the word percent (per cent), weekend (week-end)? Don’t get me started on that whole extra U crap (colour).

Went to the Castro on Sunday with Monica. She met this guy for a job interview while I waited across the street at the Baghdad Café, reading. It’s such a strange, unexplainable feeling being in that environment. I’m totally comfortable with gay people. Just being around all those men, and the feeling that something’s a little off. Something in this universe is a little different. Maybe it’s that it’s all men – not even lesbians to speak of.

Why do I want a new tv? The one we have works perfectly fine, but I want a bigger, flat screen (like 32" or 36") with HD. And I know that won't satisfy my wants. I'll then want a bigger better stereo system, HD receiver, digital cable. Where does it end? I don't even watch that much tv. What's wrong with me? Why do I need to see Grissom’s nose hairs up close and personal?

Absolut Vodka ads totally lost me about 5 years ago.

How do the castaways on Gilligan’s Island know they’re on an island? Did they walk ALL THE WAY around the whole island? How do they know it’s not just a big peninsula? They landed there in a storm so it’s not like they could see it from out at sea. Chew on that for a while.

Had jury duty last week, got picked to sit on a jury and everything, first time. Assault with a deadly weapon. And by "deadly weapon" I mean "spatula". I can’t wait for the day when I am old enough to go whacking people in the head a spatula and I beat the wrap just because I’m old.

When you’re as sick as I was Saturday morning, throwing up 15 times in a half hour, all you can think about is how you’ll never drink again, the feeling in your stomach and that taste in your mouth and on your teeth. The only way out is the sweet release of death, which thought only occurs ever 2 or 3 times an hour. I love drinking!

So I hear there’s a third Manning brother that doesn’t play football. Can’t imagine the hell that kid goes through at Thanksgiving:
"Hey dad can you pass the mashed potatoes?"
"What, like you brothers passed their way into the record books?"
"Yeah dad, like that. Thanks. Shoot me."

Since When Did They Outlaw Lobotomies? Damn.

2005-02-15T18:26:00.000-06:00

I hate picking out paint at the paint store. It never looks the same on the wall as it does on that little card. "Topiary Green" should’ve been called "Burn Your Retina Neon Green", but I guess "Topiary Green" sounds nicer. "Touch of Sun" more like "Living On the Sun". I think it’s all a big conspiracy to make you buy more paint that actually looks right.

The Super Bowl was a couple Sundays ago. I spent most of the game obsessing about my squares in the pool. "Ok so if the Eagles get a safety and the Patriots get a field goal in the next 15 seconds then I win this quarter. Or if the Eagles score a touchdown, but not the extra point…" I think I may have missed all the commercials looking at that stupid table. Except for the godaddy.com one. Hot mama!

I wish I had unlimited money and 3 months vacation. No, no 6 months vacation. Hell, I’m about ready to retire. There’s so many things I have yet to do with my life which work is hindering.

I feel sorry for the guy that gets on the elevator going from the fourth floor to the first floor, but has to stop at the third floor to pick me up and then again at the second floor to drop my off. Sucker. Take the stairs you lazy bastard.

A couple Saturdays ago I went to the gym. I saw the lamest guy I’ve ever seen. It’s Saturday morning around 9 or so and this guy had gel in his hair. I would understand if he just came from the office or something, but no. This guy walks in the front door clean shaven with gel in his hair (for what I can only conclude) to impress all the other guys there or make us jealous that we didn’t primp up this morning.

Said guy had to be trying to impress the other guys because there ain’t no women there at that time on a Saturday morning. Like every other guy there, I need my peaceful time before I start my list of chores set forth by my better half, and the only time I can do that is Saturday morning before she wakes up.

I can’t blame women for thinking men are disgusting assholes. We are disgusting sasholes. I had to explain to my wife the other day what “MILF” stands for.

Why is it that when you misspell and spellcheck "asshole" in Word, it doesn’t suggest the word "asshole". If I type "sashole", it recommends "seashore, systole, ashore, cashless". Funny that "cashless" comes up, as many women would equate cashless with asshole. Come on, Bill Gates, you know “sashole” means “asshole”, so stop being a sashole, you fucktard.

Why are Dog show people so weird? Judges, handlers, everybody there. And the poor dog’s names – where did all that come from? Actual names I’m pulling from the Westminster Dog Show Website results: Dieudonne Impyrial Acclaim, Cha-Rish Star Quest Blu-J's, Cracknor Cause Celebre, Blueberry's Attitude Dancing, Northcote Delzar Serious Riot. Yet they also have a common name – Coco. I think they should stop this madness. I’’m against dog shows in general. I’m not against breeds, although bad, but not too bad (maybe I’m just naïve), but dog shows are a little ridiculous.

I noticed a lot of the terriers last night (yes I watched 10 minutes of the ankle-biter group) are named for former kings of England that really liked that certain breed – King George Terrier, King Edwards Terrier. I’m assuming all these kings were gay and carried their little shit dogs around in the purse like Paris Hilton. Correct me if I’m wrong.

Valentines Day was yesterday. I finally convinced my wife that Valentine’s Day is only kept around by Hallmark and is hanging on to dear life by a string. It’s a day when we men have to publicly demonstrate to all the other women our gratuitous feelings of love for our overzealous women. Why do we need a day for this? Isn’t everyday a day to show this? Does this mean if I bring her flowers on Valentines Day I don’t have to show her I love her for the rest of the year except for when it’s time to perform? Dammit All!

I've been ev-erywhere, man

2005-02-08T20:01:00.000-06:00

ok not really but here's a fun little map that shows where I have been.

create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourYuma travel guide

I'm back baby!

2005-02-01T13:34:00.000-06:00

Back by popular demand, (and when I say "popular" I mean this guy asked for it) more crap from the endless rambling going on in my head.

I really hate letting the dog out in the middle of the night. He’s got the smallest bladder in the world. On my list of things I hate, letting the dog out in the middle of the night ranks somewhere between vomiting and songs featuring Lil’ John.

Another thing I hate – waiters at a fancy shmancy restaurant that feel the need to call me out when I mispronounce the name of what I’m ordering by yelling it back at me slowly, in full annunciation so the whole restaurant can hear what an uncultured fucktard I am!

I love it when spellcheck in Word has no fucking clue what you’re trying to spell. I attempted the word “annunciation”, it got underlined and it said “no suggestions”. That means out of all the possible spellings in the word, you were unable to get any 2 letters correct next to eachother.

I got this “grapple” (pronounced grape-pull) at the grocery store. It’s a genetically engineered fruit which is looks like an apple and is supposed to taste like a grape. Much to my disappointment, it tasted like an apple.

I see that you can order toilet paper off the internet now. I didn’t even have to leave the house or lug it around the grocery store or anything! If I could just get them to deliver it to me in my actual bathroom, my life might be complete.

Why do chicks always like to dredge up the past? They may forgive, but they NEVER forget. I once about 17 years ago (ok not that long, like 6 months ago) made a comment to Wife about her sleeping all day because I was bored and wanted her to get up and do something with me. I must’ve made some comment about getting bed sores, because that’s all I hear about now when I try to get her out of bed to go do stuff with me.

If I was single, I think the best time to pick up chicks at the bar would be last call time. Think about it. You’re out of money and it’s closing time so she can’t ask you to buy her a drink and you’re both drunk and tired and on your way home anyway…why not share a bed?

Thursday nights at the bar, a tradition has faded out that needs to come back. The building of the tower of empty glasses in the middle of the table will return in full force. Yeah it’s stupid and immature, the busboys hate it, but I’m 6 years old! And drunk so what do you expect?

I really prefer riding the elevator alone. Probably more than I should. It’s such a disappointment when I get in and there’s someone else there. I hate the uncomfortable silence, the staring at the floor or up at the floor level light thingies. Solo elevator time is so nice.

Lots of times when I’m getting ready in the morning, I’ll get dressed and can’t remember if I put on deodorant or not. This happens a lot like every other day. I inevitably sniff myself like a dog and re-apply because I can’t tell. I could save hundreds of dollars a year on deodorant if I would just pay better attention.

I really hate the swinging trash door at fast food places. Am I the only person (besides my wife the germophobe) that hates this thing? You have only 2 options. 1.) Try to open it with the end of your tray while the swinging door bulldozes all your shit onto the floor, or 2.) actually touch that shit-covered swinging door. Either way, you’re screwed.

Cop: “Drunk driving without a license”

Jay: “I can get a license for drunk driving??”

Cop: “No”

Jay: “But you just said...”

Cop: “No”

playing with new blog/photo/IM software

2005-01-31T15:54:00.000-06:00

secret beach (mendocino)

2005-01-31T15:34:00.000-06:00

mendocino

2005-01-31T15:33:00.001-06:00

yosemite

2005-01-31T15:33:00.000-06:00

mirror lake

ho hum

2005-01-12T16:06:00.000-06:00

I've become bored with the blog thing. I'd rather just continue my written journal - keep things to myself. So it may be a while before I contribute here again.

All the Beautiful People

2004-12-17T15:55:00.000-06:00

Went to this fundraiser last night for the make a wish foundation put on by this talent agency. Monica uses them to hire voice-over talent for her work. It was pretty cool. Got to dress up all fancy-like. Lots of tall skinny bitchy looking models and pompous actors/actresses walking around with their fake everything. It was free Gray Goose drinks all night so that was really cool. I was talking to this guy and he said that George Lucas showed up at last year’s event. I wish I’d been there and got to meet him. Maybe I could get my 18 bucks back for Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones.

Everyday People

2004-12-07T12:00:00.000-06:00

I’m a pretty easy going guy, but I think people annoy me more than they should. I think I’m also too observant. I notice things around me that others don’t notice or don’t care to notice. It bugs me sometimes.

I don’t have kids so I don’ know for sure, but it seems schools nowadays, maybe it just the bay area, are more concerned about the kid’s self esteem than they are about education. If every kid grows up with high self esteem, who’s going to pick up my garbage? None of the strippers will be crying while giving me a lap dance. For God’s sake who’s going to give me a lap dance?!? Someone stop this madness!

That's great. I'm stealing classical music. you can buy a 50 cd box set for 5 bucks in the clearance bin at Best Buy, but that's apparently not good enough for me.

You have to be pretty full of yourself to join groups like “Hottest girls of myspace” and other such groups. Those are private clubs that you have to ask to be in. “Oh please, let me be part your club. I really need the self esteem boast. I’m so pathetic.”

Guys wearing scarves annoy me. It probably shouldn’t, but it does.

One of the most popular searches in my network is “unique baby names”. It’s not too unique can names be if they are a popular search?

Don’t you think the HR people that monitor work email conversations can figure out what you’re saying when you edit cuss words? How sneaky do you think you are? “Ah man! You gotta tell me. That b@otch that you took home last week – did you f*ck her or did she just s&k your c0k? or did you just get hi as b@llz?”

Time for another Good Idea/Bad Idea. Ok, so it’s the first. Stop distracting me! Ok Ok. Good idea: Flossing your teeth. Bad Idea: Flossing you teeth on BART. Please, could you try a little harder to make me puke on you? That’d be great. Thanks.

I see the most popular search right now in my network on Friendster is “how to get your ex back”. C’mon people. Move on. It’s over. He/She’s not interested in you anymore.

I love the fact that one of the biggest prisons in the state is sitting on prime real estate in Marin County. In your face you pompous, Ferrari-driving, Sausalito assholes!

I caught part of the show “The Biggest Loser” the other night. I think the intriguing part that made me stop was flipping channels was mostly because of this fat chick crying on a scale in her bathing suit. This show is ridiculous. They even referred to these people as heros! So let me get this straight: These people are heroes because they won’t get off their fat, heart-attack-waiting-to-happen asses for they’re own health, but they’ll sure do it for a quarter million dollars. Bullshit!

More Randomness

2004-11-29T18:15:00.000-06:00

Who came up with button fly? This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t get it. Why would anybody buy button fly jeans? I like spending 10 minutes trying to undo my fly when I gotta pee. It makes me feel so alive!

Whenever I get ID'd, I always give the guy this insulted yet understanding look. I don’t know why. It’s as if I’ve lost all memory of being underage. Underage people don’t exist and never have in bars to me. Then I look at the 11 year old picture on my TX driver’s license. Still keep that thing. Don’t know why.

Do you think garbage men ever get woken up at some God awful early time saying “what’s that racket!?”

Along the same lines, is there anything a raccoon won’t eat?

My friend Genaro, who just moved to So Cal, is the Always Late Guy. I think this bothers me because I’m usually very punctual. No matter where we go, he is always at least half an hour late. I’m tell him, “dude, you’re not a chick. I don’t understand why you can’t just leave earlier, not leave at the time you’re supposed to be there.” He says, “why is everybody so picky about when I show up?” I say, “G, the party was yesterday.”

My parents and other people their age in Texas for some reason tend to add the possessive apostaphe “s” to every place of business. It drives me nuts. Eckerd’s. Wal-Mart’s. Furrow’s. Kroger’s. JCPenny’s. What the fuck? Wal-Mart’s?

I think it’s funny that anything food-wise with the word ”California” in it means with sprouts and avocado. Is that all we are to the rest of the United States of Jesusland? Avocados and sprouts? Well, fuck you! My governator can beat up yours.

There’s nothing worse than being in the middle of working out and realizing you have to take a shit. You try to do another rep but quickly come to the conclusion that the thrusting is counteracting your clenching. Just about the only good thing about taking a shit at the gym is that it’s pretty much the only viable excuse why you only worked out for eleven minutes and then had to leave.

Who are these people that like Will Smith’s acting? Better yet, Will Smith’s anything? Red state people probably.

The Abyss In My Head

2004-11-11T14:14:00.000-06:00

I like the word “fucktard”. Very descriptive. Hits the nail right on the head.

What the hell does “woot” mean? What fucktard came up with that shit?

I love wearing my black trench coat on a rainy day. Feel like such a pimp. A villain, really.

Why isn’t my tree changing color yet? It’s fall goddammit! Go ahead and fall already.

Why does Juliette Lewis always play the part of the simpleton or “slow” person? She’s a great actress. I think she should pick different roles sometimes, that’s all.

I really hate it when people have conversations on the train in the morning. I know it’s public transportation, I know they feel they have to have meaningless small talk about their daughters’ soccer teams that neither one cares about, but this is not fucking social hour! I can’t sleep with you flapping your gums in my ear for 30 minutes! Do you see any one ELSE talking? There are a hundred people on this train and it’s just you. Shut the fuck up! I really need my 30 more minutes of sleep. Thank you.

I hate that sinking, let-down feeling the moment I realize something that has always been interesting to me suddenly becomes boring.

I constantly eat sunflower seeds at work. I decided the other day to be adventurous and try the flavored ones. The jalapeno flavored ones just about burned a hole through my check, and the ranch flavored ones (ear muffs, katie) tasted like they were coated in mayonnaise. Lesson: Stick to what you know.

I wonder if I could publish this crap. I’ve read bigger crap than this. I wonder if anyone would read it or more importantly buy it. I just want to call myself a published author dammit! My technical papers in the National Transportation Journal don't count.

I can't keep a japanese maple alive to save my life. I think I get into trouble when I try to bring an outdoor tree inside.

Belt buckles are so dirty when you think about it. What’s the second thing you touch after you poop, before you wash your hands? When's the last time you cleaned your belt buckle? same as me. never.

I love Halloween. Gives the nice girls an excuse to dress slutty, and the slutty girls to go even more slutty. And then you have the never ending myspace pictures that the girls put up and say “~:::~oh it’s just for Halloween, hee hee!!!11!1one~::::~” Awesome.

Is it "ironic" that red is used to represent republican states, yet liberals are often referred to as communists? Does that count as irony? I used have it all my 9th grade rhetoric lingo straight until that bitch Alanis Morissette came along and started messing with me. Not that I really cared anyway.

I hate this standard time shit. Why can’t we be on daylight savings time all year? Wouldn’t that be more energy efficient anyway? I hate being at work in the dark.

I got pretty wasted last weekend. I had just finished my engineering licensing exam and decided to let loose. The next morning I felt miraculously fine. I got up, made some dry toast, then proceeded heave it all up exorcist style. I told Monica it must be food poisoning. After the 27 drinks I had just a few hours ago, what do I blame for the regurgitation? Toast.

Another thing I’ve learned over the years: when drinking, variety is not the spice of life.

It’s so easy to find excuses to not go to the gym. I haven’t been in three weeks. I should go to the gym, but right now I really need to pick my nose, and I can’t do both.

Oh myspace, when will you bring back the ranking thingy so I will have self esteem again?

I don't get it

2004-11-03T10:13:00.000-06:00

I thought we had a chance. I thought it was supposed to be close. Yet Kerry is calling Bush this morning to concede. I thought we had a chance to correct the past.

I don't understand this country anymore. I thought the demographic for Republicans was the white, rich, white-collar old people and the democrats were the hard working middle class and minorities - the majority of this country. Yet last night as I watched Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Ohio fall the side that gave tax cuts to the richest .5% of this country, I confirm to myself that most people in this country are fucking stupid and have fallen the fear brought on by that dick Cheney. “A vote for Kerry is a vote for terrorism. You don’t want terrorism, do you?” (made that up , but that’s the gist of most of his speeches.)

P. Diddy has failed us once again.

Thoughts 6

2004-10-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

So there was this guy who used to work with me. I absolutely hated him. He was the typical no personality engineer. He had a very short and abrasive temper. I despised working with him. He could also never spell my last name right which irked me the most. To him it was always “–ens”, not “–ins”. Ironically his last name is Stankiewicz. You’d think after a lifetime of having his name butchered, he’d have the respect to make sure others’ names are spelled correctly. I guess that shows you his personality. Oh yeah, and around here, behind his back we shortened his name to Stanki or Stank. He really did stink too, that was the best part.

I have the worst posture in the world. I’ll be humpbacked by the time I’m 40.

Civil disobedience seems like an oxymoron to me. The whole point of disobeying is to go against civility. There’s nothing civil about disobeying.

I have little appreciation for nature scenery photography, such as mountain scenes and sunsets, with the exception of Ansel Adams. I think it’s because I can take those pictures just as good as a “professional” can. Now a bird at high speed with telephoto, that’s a different story.

Would it be blasphemous to name my next dog Jesus? What about Buddha?

I think Calvin is a funny name. Poor kid.

Paris Hilton has a book out? Are you fucking kidding me?

I hate it when people end a statement with “if you will”. Irregardless.

Why do I always, always check my fly after I leave the bathroom?

Why are there no “Bi” males? Why is it only females? Is there some point of no return a guy crosses to be traded to the other team? How come girls can play for both teams, but guys can’t?

It’s amazing how you don’t appreciate certain luxuries until they’re unusable. This week my automatic garage door opener broke and I cut my thumb. Need to take a few lessons from flipper man.

I don’t understand why builders in the southeastern part of the country don’t account for hurricane winds in their structures. They get at least one per year, most of the time, like this year, 4 a year. Florida is a disaster area by every October. California figured out how to resist stronger forces (earthquakes) than hurricanes, why can’t Florida?

The internet tells me I have an IQ of 133. I love the internet!

So I hear my digestive track is like 3 miles long or something. I think God put in a turnpike when he made me because, man, whatever goes in, comes right out in about 30 minutes. Maybe that’s just part of being the next link in the evolutionary chain. Maybe it’s the tapeworm.

Who would name their little girl Starr? That’s such a stripper name. What were they thinking?

Farting will never be unfunny. No matter what the situation. Weddings, business meetings. whatever.

The only downside to living here is that friends are always fucking moving away. People come here for a couple years then when they run out of money, they leave. I hate that shit.

Why are chick engineers always such overachievers? This girl in my seismic class has every single goddamn page in the book tabbed. Some pages twice. You know they invented this thing called an index? It was the same in undergrad. There may have been only 1 or 2 girls in each of my classes, but they were always the curve busters. I get it! You’re good at math! Enough already!

I hate it when I see guys at home depot on Saturday afternoon is collared shirts and khakis. What are doing? It’s Saturday. Afternoon. At Home Depot! I’m not even wearing socks. You’re lucky I’m wearing pants!

I hate wearing socks. If it was socially acceptable, I’d wear flip flops to work every day.

Thoughts 5

2004-09-22T11:06:00.000-05:00

Why do California people make fun of the phase “fixing to”, like you’re fixing to do something? Was there a comedian once upon a time that made fun of that? How is that funny? I don’t get it.

I think it’s funny when guys put their riced out cars up as their myspace front page profile pictures.

What does the “H” stand for in Jesus H. Christ? Herbert? Heaven? And where did that come from?

Next time I see a guy with his polo shirt collar flipped up, I’m walking up to him and flipping it down. That’s the stupidest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. You look ridiculous. This must mean I’m getting old.

Money itself is so dirty when you think about it.

I was nodding off during a product demo today. Got caught by my coworker next to me. Not sure what they expect out of me. It was right after lunch, it’s hot in our office, the lights are out, they’re talking about switches and routers for Christ’s sake! All the ingredients are there!

People don’t say “you’re welcome” enough. “Yeah sure” or “Uh huh” doesn’t count. If someone takes the time to say thank you, tell them “you’re welcome.”

I am in this never-ending cycle of always having too many chips or too much salsa. I never run out of both at the same time so I am always buying one or the other.

I hate trying to come up with witty comments on evites. I wish the whole notion would go away. I wish I could just reply “Yes” without having to use the “sounds fun!”, “can’t wait!” or “wouldn’t miss it for the world!” because chances are, I can wait, and it doesn’t sound that fun, and I would miss it for the world if given the choice.

Who are these people that create myspace pages pretending to Jessica Simpson? Pedophiles? People in dire need of attention?

I got called obsessive today. Never thought of myself as obsessive. I don’t see what’s wrong with it though. As long as it doesn’t become possessive-obsessive in a if-I-can’t-have-you-then-no-one-can kind of way.

I think Rory is a funny name. Question to parents of kids named Rory: What, did you let Scooby Doo name your kid?

Question to people who walk up escalators: You know you’re going to get there eventually; are you really that big of a hurry?

When I went home last in July, Tim and I went together and my mom picked us up at the airport. My mom recognized Tim before she recognized me. A little disheartening. I guess it’s time for a haircut. Not really.

I miss Sonic. And Whataburger.

I faked sick last Friday. I come in Monday and my boss says “you feeling ok, you still look like hell.” Hmm, as a matter of fact, I am felling a little light headed. I better go home.

I hate the fact that I will never know if I am physically attractive or not. The only opinion I can trust is that of a complete stranger who approaches me. Me asking a complete stranger doesn’t count.

When people don’t get good reception on their cell phones, why do they fell the need to hold it up in the air? Like that extra foot in the air is going to get you a signal. Put your arm down. You look ridiculous.

Maybe the Gambler does die in the Kenny Rodgers song. It’s open for interpretation, I think.

Dude, my html skills are unstoppable.

In my seismic class I learned that my house is just barely east of the Hayward Fault. That means when The Big One hits, I’ll be beachfront. Pretty stoked about that.

Thoughts 4

2004-09-08T01:10:00.000-05:00

Why do dreams always have to mean something? Why can’t I just have a fucked up dream that means absolutely nothing?

I was looking through pictures from high school last night. God what a dork.

What the hell is that on the cover of the moon & antarctica cd?

Monica is always teasing me when we’re out somewhere and we see a hot girl. She’s all “She’s hot, I like her, I could really go for that exotic type.” What do I say to that? I think it’s some kind of trap or test. But…what if she’s serious?

It’s pathetic how I can’t live with the things I can’t understand. How I need everything labeled and explained and deconstructed. Even if it’s for sure unexplainable. Even God.

Chicks are so funny. They always read more into things. A friend of mine threw a surprise party for his girlfriend. All the guys he we like, “cool, surprise party, we’ll be there.” All the girls thought the ‘surprise’ was that he was going to propose to her. Silly, silly girls.

Damn myspace, doesn’t let you vote for your own picture. It also doesn’t let you IM yourself. Ahhh the hours of fun I could have doing that.

I just noticed today that there’s a sprinkler head in the shower room at the gym. Are tiles really that flammable? How in the hell would a fire start in the shower room? I also noticed that it is completely rusted over. So it’s more of a tetanus dispenser that a fire retardant. Good thing I’m in the shower if that thing ever goes off so I can wash off the tetanus out of my eyes before that lockjaw sets in.

I hate getting a bad apple. Ruins my day. Makes me not want to eat fruit again. Red apples are the worst. I’ve never had a good red apple. Contrarily, I’ve never a bad granny smith apple. Where do they get names for apples anyway? Gala, Fuji, granny smith, golden/red delicious, wow I’m boring.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your mom jokes will never get old. Unless that person’s mom is dead. Then your fucked.

No! I will not give you my seat no matter how much you clear your throat at me. Women’s fucking lib, bitch! Yeah, I’m THAT guy.

Why did they change the name of congressman to congresswoman, but they didn’t change senator to senatress? (i.e. actor =>actress)

Why do chicks love horses so much? What’s the connection there that men don’t have?

Why did my grandfather always blow his nose and clean out his ears (with the same hanky) at the table after dinner?

Going No. 2 has really changed over the years. I remember it used to be sit down, boom, your done, and your out. Now it’s like a half hour ordeal. That’s all I’m going to say about that.

On those bulletin questionnaire thingies, I hate it when I think of a better response later in the day. It’s not like I can go back and redo it. Same thing with comebacks. I hate that!

BART was free today. “Spare the Air Day”. When ever it gets hot there’s a higher chance of smog from cars or something. They say they will loose $2 million in revenues just from this morning’s commute. How in the hell are they always in debt? $4 million a day just in revenues plus the federal and state grants for being a light rail system. Are you kidding me? It’s gotta be the unions.

I miss the Olympics. I miss women’s beach volleyball and those asses. I miss late night skeet shooting qualifying rounds. I miss synchronized swimming. That’s right I said it! Those chicks are amazing.

If you take a shower before bed, are you supposed to put on deodorant?

The huge industrial lights at my gym are perfectly placed so that if I lay back to do bench press, they shine blindingly right in my face. Did they put that light there on purpose, just for shits and giggles? Why can’t they move it 1 foot to the left? I bet they’ve never gotten that complaint before.

We went to the beach last weekend along with everyone else in the Bay Area. There’s been lots of shark attacks and advisories lately, so you’re only allowed to go knee deep into the water. Well there’s a big crowd and like most Californians, everybody pretty much does what they want, which means go out as far as they want. This fire station across the street from the beach blows its air horn to release a truck. I’ve never seen people move so fast out of the water.

Thoughts tres

2004-08-25T18:08:00.000-05:00

Not ready to start working yet.

So I’ve started to go back and read my high school reading list books again. Just finished Frankenstein. It was so friggin hard to read. No wonder I only read the Cliffnotes in HS. I’m reading a Chuck Palahnuik book, but after that it’s Catcher in the Rye.

There was a good quote in my book. This guy is a recovering sexaholic. He tells his friend, “ I can’t wait for the day when I stop living my life praising myself for not doing wrong things and start living my life doing right things.”

I will eat just about anything with ranch on it.

Is it really possible to catch something from a toilet seat?

There was this guy at the bar the other night wearing 2 polo shirts. Now I’m no fashion expert, but seriously. 2 polo shirts collar over collar? What, what are you doing? Get out of my bar!

We got kicked out a bar last year for making fun of this guy’s frosty tips. He tattled to the bouncer. Something happens when you get a group of guys together with alcohol. Not sure if it’s the pissing contest aspect, the sexual frustration aspect, or what…I’m really a nice guy under most circumstances. Really.

Sometimes people ask me if I’m good with computers. I, of course, say yes because I know Word and Excel. Stupid me. They proceed to ask the most obscure questions that only a computer professor from MIT would be able to answer.

Is it bad that I still carry around a bottle opener on my keychain? I know it was ok in college, but why do I still have it?

It’s 13 steps from my office to the bathroom. It’s 16 steps from office to Josh’s. It’s 37 steps up the escalator on BART. But I don’t have OCD. Def-definitely not OCD.

Saw this on craigslist the other day. I liked it and thought I would share:

“I am the BART Surfer. I ride the steely trains with the greatest of ease. You see me. You want me. I am the guy who stands in the Isle and holds on to nothing... riding the train through all the twists and turns and dips and bumps, never reaching for the grip. I am the master of BART CHI. I put on the casual expression of nonchalance... but underneath my stoicism is elated rapture. Knowing that I rock. You cannot topple me. I am the BART Surfer.”

So I see today that Wes Borland is returning to Limp Bizkit. That means that shitty band will return to shittty radio sense he was the ONLY cool thing about Limp Bizkit. I was reading an article about his return. Fred Durst is talking about the guy they kicked out to let Wes back in, quoted as saying, “"[Mike Smith] wasn't where we needed him to be mentally." Mentally? What does that mean? Slightly above 2nd grade reading level? 1995?

I like the name Jonas. I’m bound by the Dinkins family law that every first son of a first son has to named James. Maybe the second kid will be Jonas, unless it’s a girl. Don’t really want girls. Too high maintenance. Not even sure I want kids at all so why are we having this conversation?

In the news. “Britney’s fiancé, a backup dancer by trade, will star in the pop tart's new clip--a cover of Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative." -- Dear God please kill me now!

Why does my right ear collect more wax than my left?

I belive that Elvis Costello would not be nearly as popular without the glasses.

I hate “that time of the month”. All of a sudden I’m dealing with a completely illogical woman who is so convinced she’s right, I begin to question myself. And as a male, I think that’s what’s so amazingly powerful about menstruation – it actually makes ME feel crazy too! I hate that!

Not a big tapas fan. I hate any meal where I leave more hungry than when I came in. That’s not a meal, that’s called exercise.

All time stands still in the bathroom. Think about it. You have no idea how long you’ve been in there. But when you come out and your roommate/wife/whoever is waiting there, they always says either “Wow, you went and came back that fast?” or the ever-popular “What, did you fall in?” Just once I’d like to come out of the bathroom and have Monica say, “Wow, that took exactly the amount time I thought it would.”

Mac people are so weird and so stubborn. If you’re PC user, they’ll defend Macs to death, even if their arguments make no sense. Don’t believe me? ask a Mac user why their mouse has no right click button. You’ll probably get some convoluted explanation that ends with, “Well, um, well, it’s just better, OK, so shut up!”

I love when you offer someone a sip of soda and they lift up the lid slightly and drink out of the cup instead of through the straw. What, you don’t think germs can swim?

Thoughts 2

2004-08-12T18:06:00.000-05:00

If Jesus were here today, what kind of car would he drive? Would he drive a fancy car like a Ferrari or Bentley? Or a smaller, more modest, inconspicuous car like a Toyota Camry?

I will never pay more than $12 for a haircut, if I ever get one again. How much do you tip a haircut lady anyway? I never even knew you were supposed to until a couple years ago.

I will watch any show that does rankings (except TRL). Top 10 Mexico vacation spots, Top 40 plays of the year, Top 100 hair bands (there’s 100 hair bands?), Top 10 rich people’s homes, Top 100 songs from a movie. If it wasn’t in countdown form, I would not watch it and the networks know it.

Why is there nothing on TV on Saturday afternoon?

Why does no one vote on my picture. It’s been up for 2 weeks now and there’s only 2 votes. Maybe if I show a little more leg. Show the ladies the goods.

“Where all the white women at?!?” makes me laugh every time I hear it. Blazing Saddles will never be unfunny.

Do people being interviewed on the Daily Show know they are being messed with? They are good actors if they do know. If they don’t know why are not more pissed off at the interviewer. It’s almost like they’re sedated sometimes.

Do other members of the Family Guy cast hear Stewy talk?

Do Nextel people actually use that stupid walkie talkie feature?

How can people read a book and walk on a treadmill? I would be sucked under that thing so fast if I tried that. I applaud those people for the coordination and for their half-ass work out.

Who actually responds to spam emails? Some idiot must be.

I hate myspace pages with music or videos on them. It’s always Britney Spears or something shitty and I have to turn it off before my head explodes. The other annoying thing is that it takes me like 10 minutes to find it.

I made a “your mom” joke to a guy the other night whose mom died a couple years ago. It was definitely not on purpose. Just another drunken flub up. I’m wondering if should apologize again. Would that be dredging bad things back up again or would that help? Either way, going straight to Hell!

I think it’s funny that the nutrition facts on Gatorade says 2.5 servings. Whoa! I better slow down; I’ve already had 1.37 servings. Come on, Gatorade, what’s the point? Just make a bottle 1 serving.

My brother is turning 21 in a couple weeks. What do you get a guy for his 21^st, much less a guy who already has everything, much less my brother?

Why does Polyphonic Spree freak me out so much?

I hate it when people say “oh yeah, I liked them before they were big. Now I’m tired of hearing them on the radio.” So that’s the only reason you liked them is because no one else had heard of them yet? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. It’s still the same music. Jackass.

Thoughts and Observations

2004-08-04T18:02:00.000-05:00

Why do the cotton and milk industries feel the need for TV ads? Have cotton sales actually risen since their "tough, the feel of cotton" ads were released? I don't think so. It just makes my undershirts more expensive. Same thing with milk; milk on my cereal instead of water, there's a new thought!

To quote Otto, "They call them fingers, but I never see them fing." Truer words were never spoken.

Does anyone ever actually use the nosotros in spanish?

I wish it was socially acceptable to wear a cloak. A cape with a hood? It doesn't get any cooler.

Why do people set their watches 5 or 7 minutes fast. You always know it's 7 minutes fast! What difference does it make?

I'm so glad there's no smoking in bars in CA. I go out on Thursday nights and can wear the same clothes to work the next day. Yeah I smell like a brewery, so people at work think I'm drinking at my desk in the morning, but at least they don't think I smoke.

Sometimes I just want to open my car door in the middle of traffic and clothesline that dude on the motorcycle that is driving between the lanes.

Why can't I free myself from a landline at home?

Will the camera-in-cell-phone developers ever reach the point when the pictures don't look like they were taken through a piece of saran wrap?

I think it's funny that Cosmo (only seen the cover) has articles about how to please your man in the bedroom. Seriously, ladies, all you have to do is SHOW UP!

I am convinced that music reached it's prime in 1996. Is that actually true or does that just make me sound old?

Why can't I remember to take my toiletries when I travel?

No! It's not a chain connecting my wallet to my pants, it's a pocket watch so stop staring at me!

in the beginning.

2004-08-01T17:58:00.000-05:00

I have constant racing thoughts. I keep a written journal. Most of it crap. I take that back. All of it crap, but it's good to get out. I've decided to post some of them here. I don't know why.