I'm back baby!

Back by popular demand, (and when I say "popular" I mean this guy asked for it) more crap from the endless rambling going on in my head.

I really hate letting the dog out in the middle of the night. He’s got the smallest bladder in the world. On my list of things I hate, letting the dog out in the middle of the night ranks somewhere between vomiting and songs featuring Lil’ John.

Another thing I hate – waiters at a fancy shmancy restaurant that feel the need to call me out when I mispronounce the name of what I’m ordering by yelling it back at me slowly, in full annunciation so the whole restaurant can hear what an uncultured fucktard I am!

I love it when spellcheck in Word has no fucking clue what you’re trying to spell. I attempted the word “annunciation”, it got underlined and it said “no suggestions”. That means out of all the possible spellings in the word, you were unable to get any 2 letters correct next to eachother.

I got this “grapple” (pronounced grape-pull) at the grocery store. It’s a genetically engineered fruit which is looks like an apple and is supposed to taste like a grape. Much to my disappointment, it tasted like an apple.

I see that you can order toilet paper off the internet now. I didn’t even have to leave the house or lug it around the grocery store or anything! If I could just get them to deliver it to me in my actual bathroom, my life might be complete.

Why do chicks always like to dredge up the past? They may forgive, but they NEVER forget. I once about 17 years ago (ok not that long, like 6 months ago) made a comment to Wife about her sleeping all day because I was bored and wanted her to get up and do something with me. I must’ve made some comment about getting bed sores, because that’s all I hear about now when I try to get her out of bed to go do stuff with me.

If I was single, I think the best time to pick up chicks at the bar would be last call time. Think about it. You’re out of money and it’s closing time so she can’t ask you to buy her a drink and you’re both drunk and tired and on your way home anyway…why not share a bed?

Thursday nights at the bar, a tradition has faded out that needs to come back. The building of the tower of empty glasses in the middle of the table will return in full force. Yeah it’s stupid and immature, the busboys hate it, but I’m 6 years old! And drunk so what do you expect?

I really prefer riding the elevator alone. Probably more than I should. It’s such a disappointment when I get in and there’s someone else there. I hate the uncomfortable silence, the staring at the floor or up at the floor level light thingies. Solo elevator time is so nice.

Lots of times when I’m getting ready in the morning, I’ll get dressed and can’t remember if I put on deodorant or not. This happens a lot like every other day. I inevitably sniff myself like a dog and re-apply because I can’t tell. I could save hundreds of dollars a year on deodorant if I would just pay better attention.

I really hate the swinging trash door at fast food places. Am I the only person (besides my wife the germophobe) that hates this thing? You have only 2 options. 1.) Try to open it with the end of your tray while the swinging door bulldozes all your shit onto the floor, or 2.) actually touch that shit-covered swinging door. Either way, you’re screwed.

Cop: “Drunk driving without a license”

Jay: “I can get a license for drunk driving??”

Cop: “No”

Jay: “But you just said...”

Cop: “No”