Since When Did They Outlaw Lobotomies? Damn.
I hate picking out paint at the paint store. It never looks the same on the wall as it does on that little card. "Topiary Green" should’ve been called "Burn Your Retina Neon Green", but I guess "Topiary Green" sounds nicer. "Touch of Sun" more like "Living On the Sun". I think it’s all a big conspiracy to make you buy more paint that actually looks right.
The Super Bowl was a couple Sundays ago. I spent most of the game obsessing about my squares in the pool. "Ok so if the Eagles get a safety and the Patriots get a field goal in the next 15 seconds then I win this quarter. Or if the Eagles score a touchdown, but not the extra point…" I think I may have missed all the commercials looking at that stupid table. Except for the godaddy.com one. Hot mama!
I wish I had unlimited money and 3 months vacation. No, no 6 months vacation. Hell, I’m about ready to retire. There’s so many things I have yet to do with my life which work is hindering.
I feel sorry for the guy that gets on the elevator going from the fourth floor to the first floor, but has to stop at the third floor to pick me up and then again at the second floor to drop my off. Sucker. Take the stairs you lazy bastard.
A couple Saturdays ago I went to the gym. I saw the lamest guy I’ve ever seen. It’s Saturday morning around 9 or so and this guy had gel in his hair. I would understand if he just came from the office or something, but no. This guy walks in the front door clean shaven with gel in his hair (for what I can only conclude) to impress all the other guys there or make us jealous that we didn’t primp up this morning.
Said guy had to be trying to impress the other guys because there ain’t no women there at that time on a Saturday morning. Like every other guy there, I need my peaceful time before I start my list of chores set forth by my better half, and the only time I can do that is Saturday morning before she wakes up.
I can’t blame women for thinking men are disgusting assholes. We are disgusting sasholes. I had to explain to my wife the other day what “MILF” stands for.
Why is it that when you misspell and spellcheck "asshole" in Word, it doesn’t suggest the word "asshole". If I type "sashole", it recommends "seashore, systole, ashore, cashless". Funny that "cashless" comes up, as many women would equate cashless with asshole. Come on, Bill Gates, you know “sashole” means “asshole”, so stop being a sashole, you fucktard.
Why are Dog show people so weird? Judges, handlers, everybody there. And the poor dog’s names – where did all that come from? Actual names I’m pulling from the Westminster Dog Show Website results: Dieudonne Impyrial Acclaim, Cha-Rish Star Quest Blu-J's, Cracknor Cause Celebre, Blueberry's Attitude Dancing, Northcote Delzar Serious Riot. Yet they also have a common name – Coco. I think they should stop this madness. I’’m against dog shows in general. I’m not against breeds, although bad, but not too bad (maybe I’m just naïve), but dog shows are a little ridiculous.
I noticed a lot of the terriers last night (yes I watched 10 minutes of the ankle-biter group) are named for former kings of England that really liked that certain breed – King George Terrier, King Edwards Terrier. I’m assuming all these kings were gay and carried their little shit dogs around in the purse like Paris Hilton. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Valentines Day was yesterday. I finally convinced my wife that Valentine’s Day is only kept around by Hallmark and is hanging on to dear life by a string. It’s a day when we men have to publicly demonstrate to all the other women our gratuitous feelings of love for our overzealous women. Why do we need a day for this? Isn’t everyday a day to show this? Does this mean if I bring her flowers on Valentines Day I don’t have to show her I love her for the rest of the year except for when it’s time to perform? Dammit All!
The Super Bowl was a couple Sundays ago. I spent most of the game obsessing about my squares in the pool. "Ok so if the Eagles get a safety and the Patriots get a field goal in the next 15 seconds then I win this quarter. Or if the Eagles score a touchdown, but not the extra point…" I think I may have missed all the commercials looking at that stupid table. Except for the godaddy.com one. Hot mama!
I wish I had unlimited money and 3 months vacation. No, no 6 months vacation. Hell, I’m about ready to retire. There’s so many things I have yet to do with my life which work is hindering.
I feel sorry for the guy that gets on the elevator going from the fourth floor to the first floor, but has to stop at the third floor to pick me up and then again at the second floor to drop my off. Sucker. Take the stairs you lazy bastard.
A couple Saturdays ago I went to the gym. I saw the lamest guy I’ve ever seen. It’s Saturday morning around 9 or so and this guy had gel in his hair. I would understand if he just came from the office or something, but no. This guy walks in the front door clean shaven with gel in his hair (for what I can only conclude) to impress all the other guys there or make us jealous that we didn’t primp up this morning.
Said guy had to be trying to impress the other guys because there ain’t no women there at that time on a Saturday morning. Like every other guy there, I need my peaceful time before I start my list of chores set forth by my better half, and the only time I can do that is Saturday morning before she wakes up.
I can’t blame women for thinking men are disgusting assholes. We are disgusting sasholes. I had to explain to my wife the other day what “MILF” stands for.
Why is it that when you misspell and spellcheck "asshole" in Word, it doesn’t suggest the word "asshole". If I type "sashole", it recommends "seashore, systole, ashore, cashless". Funny that "cashless" comes up, as many women would equate cashless with asshole. Come on, Bill Gates, you know “sashole” means “asshole”, so stop being a sashole, you fucktard.
Why are Dog show people so weird? Judges, handlers, everybody there. And the poor dog’s names – where did all that come from? Actual names I’m pulling from the Westminster Dog Show Website results: Dieudonne Impyrial Acclaim, Cha-Rish Star Quest Blu-J's, Cracknor Cause Celebre, Blueberry's Attitude Dancing, Northcote Delzar Serious Riot. Yet they also have a common name – Coco. I think they should stop this madness. I’’m against dog shows in general. I’m not against breeds, although bad, but not too bad (maybe I’m just naïve), but dog shows are a little ridiculous.
I noticed a lot of the terriers last night (yes I watched 10 minutes of the ankle-biter group) are named for former kings of England that really liked that certain breed – King George Terrier, King Edwards Terrier. I’m assuming all these kings were gay and carried their little shit dogs around in the purse like Paris Hilton. Correct me if I’m wrong.
Valentines Day was yesterday. I finally convinced my wife that Valentine’s Day is only kept around by Hallmark and is hanging on to dear life by a string. It’s a day when we men have to publicly demonstrate to all the other women our gratuitous feelings of love for our overzealous women. Why do we need a day for this? Isn’t everyday a day to show this? Does this mean if I bring her flowers on Valentines Day I don’t have to show her I love her for the rest of the year except for when it’s time to perform? Dammit All!
posted by superjay at 6:26 PM
6 Comments:
but the real question is... do you show her that you love her and appreciate her the rest of the year? when was the last time you brought her flowers just because, or called her at 3 in the afternoon just to tell her you love her? that's the real beauty of valentines day that your not seeing, you can get away with a lacksidasical romantic attitude the rest of the year, as long as you do something incredibly romantic on that day! geez, stop shooting yourself in the foot, you're eventually gonna need to walk!
I guess that's my problem - I do the everyday shit when I don't really need to. I could get it all out in a single day and be off the hook for 363 days (valentines & birthday).
Thanks Tim!
Monica, where are you?
Does Jay really treat you "right" 365 days a year?
she says yes. she just told me. she did really. yeah that's it...
I lived with them and will testify that Jay is full of shit.
dude please, I treat my women right. Just ask Tim's mom.
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