why

Why is it that a wolf and a domestic dog can reproduce, but man and monkey cannot create a mankey?

Why do I get so freaked out when I have to present something in front of 40 co-workers? It's happened 3 times now, and never happened before in my life. Get flustered, shakey, sweating. Weird stuff.

Why can't I handle seeing dead & mutilated bodies anymore? My dad used to take me out with him on DOA's when he was a judge to pronounce dead the motorcyclists with no helmet and brains scattered all over the road. Had no problem with that, but now I see pictures of Iraqis with their heads blown off and I have nightmares.

Alright, enough of the why questions.

You know you’re drunk when you spend five minutes in the elevator wondering what’s taking so long before you realize you never hit any buttons. Yes, I come to work drunk sometimes.

There's not many songs that make my list of "songs I never want to hear again", but Sisqo's Thong Song is definitely on that last. When it first came out in like 1999, I realized I didn't want to watch MTV anymore. And I haven't looked back until I heard it in a bar the other night.

There's something worse than falling down the stairs. It's thinking there’s one more step but there really isn’t. You end up doing that awkward lunge where your foot hits the floor unexpectedly and your kidneys fly up into your brain – which wasn’t being used in the first place, obviously.

I like to work out first thing in the morning. On the treadmill at the gym I have to enter your weight before the machine will start. There’s no way around it. There’s nothing like lying to yourself first thing in the morning.

"She had dumps like a truck truck truck. Thighs like what what what. Baby move your butt butt butt. Uh" -Sisqo (lyrical genius)

Stupid Grass

I'm so sick of mowing the grass. Burmuda grass is the worst! It's thick and it thrives in the heat, unlike fescue (in CA) grass that stops growing when it gets above 80 degrees. It saying to me, "I know it's too hot to mow, so I'm going to take advantage of you and grow as high and fast as I can!" Stupid grass. Can't wait for the first freeze. That'll learn you, grass!

I learned today that the Iraq War is costing $4 billion a month. That's $4,000,000,000 per month! Where are we getting the money for this? Is tax revenue really that much?

Why do copy machines still have to warm up? I can understand 20 years ago, but with today's technology, seems like I shouldn't have to wait 10 minutes in the morning to make the first copy. Everything else is faster - internet, computers, cars - why can't they figure out how to not make me wiat for the copier to warm up?

I say we put the Verizon Wireless guy and the Sprint PCS guy in a cage fighting match as seen on INHD. Fight to the death or until one of them taps out by saying "Nextel. Done."

I hate it when I think of a good comeback later in the day. The wife asked me the other day if I wanted to take ballroom dancing classes. My post-moment reply would've been, "Is there a more negative word than 'No'?" But I'm not that big of an asshole, so I compromised with swingdancing.

Why is it that with Polo-type collared shirts, there's always one side of the collar that flips out, and the other side turns in?

The other day, the batteries ran out in the dvd remote. I got two new batteries, took out the two olds ones then stared at the pile of 4 batteries (all the same brand) on the table for what felt like 5 minutes. I must've been lucky that day because the remote now works with the 2 I picked. Lucky, or all the brain power from deciding which batteries to use was sucked out of my brain and into the selected batteries. Either way, the remote works.

I think I'm going to name my kid so his initals are G.O.D. That would be so cool. Gilbert Oscar. Gregg Octavius. Gabrielle Ocean. Garrett Omar. Possibilities are endless. I'll have to get more creative with my naming though. I see Britney had her baby - Preston Michael Spears Federline. PMS Federline. Good one Brit! Kid wil NEVER get picked on!